faithful friday: i know my life is not my own

Me circa 2010. My mom and I were driving through the Rockies

[NOTE: I know that I have been slacking on this blog. I apologize, but I have so many thoughts and so many things I want to say that I ask that you please be patient with me. I have, like, twelve or thirteen draft posts waiting in the queue on this thing.]

Have you ever felt the call of God on your life? I feel the call of God so strongly right now it's kind of scary. I only had this feeling one other time and that was on the way back from my first missions trip to New Orleans six months after Katrina hit. I was lying on some pillows thrown on the floor of a classroom at a church we were staying in for the night [it was pretty much a two-day trip to New Orleans and back so we had to stop somewhere along the way for the night].

Anyway, I could not get to sleep. Something deep inside me was stirring. I felt as if I were going to jump out of my skin if I didn't do what God wanted me to do. I jumped up and ran into the bathroom across the hall. I locked the door and then I cried silent tears. It was perhaps the first time I probably heard, REALLY HEARD, God call me by name. So I was in the bathroom, pacing in a circle, trying to understand what it was that God wanted me to do. Did He give me direction? No. Did He give me advice? No. Did He give me a clear vision of what my destiny looked like? No. He merely just wanted me to know that He was there and that I hadn't even begun taking steps to fulfill His purpose for my life. It was a beautiful moment and one that I will never forget.

That was in 2006. Now it's 2014 and again, I feel and hear the call of God so strongly right now, at this moment. My birthday was on July 18 and I turned 31. I asked God what He wanted to say to me on my birthday, expecting an awesome blessing. Well, I suppose it could be a blessing. Heh. But this is what He told me:

"It's time for you to get uncomfortable."

Remember my last post about living a non-traditional life? About how I was at a crossroads and I had to make a choice? I made that choice and I chose to follow after God wholeheartedly no matter what ANYONE says.

I'm on the brink of something. I can feel it and I can hear it rumbling in the distance in the spirit realm. I know that I know that I know that I know that I KNOW that God wants me to go. I think I've mentioned quite a few times that I had been wanting to go to Pasadena, California, to do an internship there with the Pasadena International House of Prayer. I firmly believe that God has been telling me to go. When, I'm not sure. But he has been bugging me about this for several months now and I've been putting it off. I keep hearing God telling me to 'get ready'.

So when God says move, you can be sure that I WILL move. My life is not my own. I am not satisfied with the status quo any longer. I need and want so much more than I have now.

So, for now, I'm going to lock myself away in the [read: my] Secret Place with Daddy God in order to hear clearly as to what HE wants me to do, what HE wants me to say, and how HE wants me to act. Does this mean I'm going to lock myself in my room for however long he wants me to? NO. Just because He wants me all to Himself doesn't mean I have to hibernate like a bear during the winter. No, I just sense that He wants me to focus on Him right now and shut out all the other voices that are calling out to me day in and day out.

I won't abandon this blog, either. I have so much I want to say, and I have so much I need to share that I have to get it off my chest somehow. LOL! 

I have to focus on Him. It's time for me to form my own beliefs on certain things and it's time for me to dig my own well. That's what I have been hearing for a long while now. I have to dig my own well. What that means is that I want to see breakthrough in my life. I want God to actually move in my life. I have so many dreams that God has placed in me that I don't want to keep talking about them...I want to actually go about doing them!

So, for now, I'm putting my job hunting on hold for the time being and I'm just going to focus on Him. What that means exactly, I'm not sure, but I know for a fact that I have to do this. There is no other way. Also, too, is the distinct alienation I'm starting to feel come about. Not that I'm depressed or anything. Quite the opposite. I just sense, as I said above, that God wants me to shut out all other voices and just focus on Him...and only Him. I want to live in an atmosphere of His Presence and I want to live in an atmosphere of His peace. 

Oh, I'll continue to live my life and stuff. But it's so easy to get burdened down by all of life's demands and such that if you don't have God in your life, it can be really overwhelming and stressful. I definitely won't be putting my entire life on hold! I won't be able to live without my church or my prayer and intercession meetings at church! The way things have been going, though, is not working for me. Something needs to give.

God has been calling me and calling me. I have finally answered His call and said one simple word that completely terrifies me but it also completely excites me: YES.