servanthood saturday: silent no more

I had this entire blog post planned out, some of it has already been written and saved in draft form when God came and uprooted EVERYTHING. I would normally shy away from topics such as this one because it is a touchy subject and I know more than a few people who are a part of this unique community, LGBTQ. But I feel that I needed to make a stance on this for the future. Why? I don't know. Only God knows and He's not letting me in on it yet.

So this is how it's going to be. I'm going to tell you EXACTLY what I think of the LGBT community. I will share what I feel in my heart...and you can either take it or leave it.

So much has been said about equality for ALL people, no matter who they are. I believe that. So much has also been said AGAINST this very issue simply because of what it says in the Bible...and I believe that as well.

So here's what I believe: I don't support same-sex marriages and I don't really care for that lifestyle. Actually, to be perfectly honest, I'm kind of ambivalent on this.

BUT

I will never, EVER, condemn another person for having that kind of lifestyle. I will never, EVER, go out of my way to make that particular person feel less than human for having that kind of lifestyle. I will never, EVER, 'preach' to that particular person about what the Bible says. I will never, EVER, browbeat them with all kinds of Scripture. I will ALWAYS love on that person. I will ALWAYS encourage that person, I will ALWAYS hang out with them if I'm so inclined to, I will ALWAYS show the love of the Father to them. I will ALWAYS speak life into them. I will ALWAYS speak truth into them WITH love and NOT condemnation.

Trust me. They are WELL aware of what the Bible says...because they have heard it enough times. They got the message loud and clear. Those Scriptures that people yell at them are like white noise to them at this point. Because from what I can see and gather, those Scriptures people throw at them are not done with love.

I know that the Supreme Court in the U.S. has ruled that same-sex couples have the right to marry in all 50 states. I know that there are more than a few people who are unhappy about that as it goes directly against what God has intended.

Here's my advice to those who are unhappy about the SCOTUS ruling: LET THEM.

That's right. You heard me. Let them. Let them get married. Let them be in love. Let them adopt kids. Let them be one with us [and by 'us' I mean those who are NOT part of the LGBTQ community]. Just let them BE.

By holding tightly to the lovely Scriptures about how homosexuality is a sin and whatever else, you are, and this is my opinion, demoralizing them as an INDIVIDUAL. An individual, mind you, that God had created in their mamas' wombs. There is no need to browbeat them. There is no need to cast judgement on them. There is no need to gather petitions to appeal what the Supreme Court has ruled [and if you send me those kinds of petitions, I shall place them in the trash]. 

All they want is to be LOVED. And isn't that what we all want? To love and be loved? Isn't that what we all NEED? Love is not a privilege, it's a basic human right/need.

I have this friend who is questioning their sexuality [actually they pretty much know what they are]. We have gotten into many conversations about it through text messaging. MANY conversations. I won't go into detail about them as they are pretty private but I just felt honoured that they chose me to confide in. The thing about our many conversations is that they want to do right by God. That's the one thread that's been crystal clear. They love God and they want to do right by Him. The only thing that is keeping them from pursuing God wholeheartedly is the 'Christian society' placing THEIR condemnation on them. And it's so heartbreaking when we talk about this. SO HEARTBREAKING. Because I don't know what to tell them, and then I feel helpless. It doesn't help when they tell me that others have said this to them: "Repent or suffer the consequences."

WOW. I really feel the love in THAT statement. NOT. To use one of the expressions used by one of my fellow intercessors at my church, it made me want to put on my boots for THAT one.

It really sucks because no amount of encouragement I give my friend, no matter how accepting I am of them, and no matter how much I love on them, none of that will ever be louder than the condemning words used by many Christians with regards to homosexuality. 

Where's the love, people? Okay. You don't believe in gay marriage or the homosexual lifestyle. That's completely okay. Just love those who do/are. Don't be judgemental of them; LOVE them. Don't say horrible things like the statement above. That helps NOBODY...and it only serves to drive them away from the Lover of all lovers.

I think it's good that SCOTUS has allowed gay marriage in all fifty states. I don't agree with their ruling, but I think it's good. Everybody deserves to get married, and if we took away that from a select group of people, what else would we take away from them? Their adopting of children? Their right to an education? The right to VOTE? No, that would be so wrong, especially since ISIS is doing exactly that over in the Middle East [killing people left, right, and center, simply because they don't like the colour of their shoes...well, you get my drift].

As somebody is consumed by God's love right now, I don't think that that's right. God's love is MIGHTY. His love is the best thing in the world. We love because He first loved us. He is the relentless Lover.

And as a Lover, I don't think He wants us to shame and condemn people for their lifestyle. I'd rather love on them and find out their stories than heap condemnation upon their heads. I'd rather love on them with abandon. I'd rather love on them and speak life into their spirits and souls.

The hashtag on Twitter for the SCOTUS ruling is #LoveWins.

Love HASN'T won. Not by a long shot. We are still too preoccupied on how WE - Christians - want others to act. I think that's where we went wrong. We don't love them. Not completely. Not wholeheartedly. I think we are so hung up on homosexuality that we tend to forget that it's not about WHAT they are...but rather it's about WHO they are. Who does GOD see them as? What does HE think of them, not as a homosexual, but as an INDIVIDUAL?

You don't support gay marriage/relationships? Okay. That's fine. But I'm going to love people where they are at and NOT where *I* want them to be at. It's not about me, after all. It's about love and it's about the Lover of all lovers.

I follow a bunch of LGBTQ campaigns on Twitter: the NOH8 Campaign, the It Gets Better Project, and The Trevor Project. I do. Because I can definitely get behind people who are empowering other people to be who they are. I have no qualms about supporting these campaigns/organizations.

I'm going to let you all in on a not-so-secret secret: Homosexuality is not on my radar of things to worry about, I'm not losing sleep over it, and the fact that there are same-sex couples everywhere doesn't faze me in the least.

To those in the LGBTQ community who happen to stumble onto this post:

As somebody in the Christian faith, I am so sorry for pushing you down and for making you feel as if you were worthless. I'm so sorry for passing judgement instead of extending love. I'm so sorry for pushing you back instead of enveloping you with love. I'm sorry for what others in my faith have put you through. You are beautiful. You are lovable. You are loved. You have so much to give.

servanthood saturday: counting the cost

via pixabay

What would cause a thirty-one-year-old young woman from Sarnia, Ontario, Canada, to go against people's wishes, risk losing her support to pay for her expensive medications, all so she could 'move' down to California for three months where she knows absolutely nobody, aside from her Heavenly Father, her Lord Jesus, and her faithful companion, Holy Spirit?

Well, come along and see!

A lot of people don't want me to do this internship. Their love and concern for me moves me; it truly does.

BUT.

How do you explain the calling that God has placed deep inside of you? How do you explain that this is NOT an act of rebellion, but rather an act of total and complete surrender to the Lord? How do you explain the cost of following - and that there IS a cost - after God?

[It should be noted here that over a year ago, in March 2014, God spoke to my spirit and said that I was at a crossroad and that I could continue the life as I have always known it...or I can give myself completely to Him and only to Him. Every area, every square inch of my heart, my EVERYTHING, forsaking all that I know, everything that is tangible by worldly standards, I can NEVER go back. I can NEVER go back to who I have always been. My life, as I have known it for thirty one years [I turn thirty two in July], will be over. My current relationships - family/friends/church/acquaintances/Facebook friends/etc, etc - will change FOREVER. The sheer power of intimacy with my God will completely ruin me.]

How do you explain that you have, indeed, counted that cost and that you have decided that it was worth it? How do you explain the need to fulfill ALL that God has for you? How do you explain that? How do you explain that when God calls you there IS no other choice but to follow after Him no matter where He takes you, no matter what people say, no matter what you, yourself, are feeling? How do you explain that it's NOT about pleasing others, but that it's about pleasing God? How do you explain that a year ago God had spoken to my spirit and told me that I had two choices: I could continue to live the life I have always lived or I could completely give my entire being to Him, my everything, forsaking all that I know and trust, and surrender myself completely unto Him? How do you explain that after that I. Chose. HIM? How do you explain that He's come to collect on that answer a year later?

How do you explain all of that?

The truth is...that you can't. You can certainly try, but ultimately, it's impossible to try and explain how He works in one's life.

Luke 14:25-33 says this: "A large crowd was following Jesus. He turned around and said to them, "If you want to be my disciple, you must hate everyone else by comparison—your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even your own life. Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple. And if you do not carry your own cross and follow me, you cannot be my disciple. But don’t begin until you count the cost. For who would begin construction of a building without first calculating the cost to see if there is enough money to finish it? Otherwise, you might complete only the foundation before running out of money, and then everyone would laugh at you. They would say, ‘There’s the person who started that building and couldn’t afford to finish it!’ Or what king would go to war against another king without first sitting down with his counselors to discuss whether his army of 10,000 could defeat the 20,000 soldiers marching against him? And if he can’t, he will send a delegation to discuss terms of peace while the enemy is still far away. So you cannot become my disciple without giving up everything you own.”

I counted the cost, and while the cost is great, I know that I know that I know that I KNOW that this will all be worth it. And when the feelings of frustration and discouragement seem too much to bear? I think of the disciples in the Bible who no doubt struggled with the very same feelings and the very same situations that I am currently dealing with way back then, and I am filled with encouragement and a new strength to carry on.

People think that this is just a whim of mine, that I haven't thought things through, that this is just way too big for God to move, blah, blah, blah. Well, this ISN'T just a whim, I HAVE thought things through, and it IS big enough for God to move in.

You know, there are MANY great worship songs out there. There really are. Songs from Chris Tomlin, Hillsongs, Jesus Culture, Brian and Jenn Johnson, Matt Redman, etc, etc. All of them are great. But do we REALLY listen to the words when we sing them? Do we REALLY believe what we're singing? I know I believe them and I listen to the words. Some of the people I know should STOP singing these kind of songs, the songs where the artist is talking about surrender, giving their all to God, trusting in Him for all things. It's obvious they don't believe a single word. Actions speak louder than words. Or, do they actually believe them but when it comes to me, Mandie Cross, it's all "Whoops, sorry Mandie! You are exempt from this"? That is not fair and it's very, very, wrong.

So I'm on a journey of discovery. I can't wait to see what God has for me. I know that I'm following His path and if people don't like it, well, they don't have to be a part of my life. It will hurt, and it will sting, but as God told me over a year ago, if I decided to follow after Him it will change all my relationships...FOREVER. I had already counted that cost you see. I KNOW what God is asking of me, and to be perfectly honest, I don't really care what others think. It's not my problem; it's THEIR problem. 

There's a line in one of my favourite worship songs, Oceans Rise (Where Feet May Fail), that goes You've never failed, and You won't start now. There's a few lines in another one of my favourite worship songs, I Surrender, by Kim Walker-Smith, No turning back, I've made up my mind/I'm giving all of my life this time/Your love makes it worth it/Your love makes it worth it all/Your love makes it worth it all. 

People ask me, "What if this happens or what if that happens?" I do worry. I DO. It's just that I can't afford to dwell on it because then it gives the enemy a foothold to sneak his way in and say, "Did God REALLY tell you that? Did God REALLY say those things? Did God REALLY show you these things?" Yes, God REALLY told me that, and He REALLY said those things, and He REALLY showed me these things. Shut up!

I'm following after God no matter what. Where He goes, I'll go; where He stays, I'll stay; when He moves, I'll move; I will follow Him. If you want to join me, awesome. If you don't...then step aside because this girl is going to follow God no matter where He takes me, no matter what He's asking me to do, and no matter what YOU might be thinking.

the audacity of my faith

Hi!

You know how in my last blog post I was talking about how the Lord will fight for me in the midst of what was happening in my life? Yeah, throw that out. LOL!

What I am about to say will not be a shock to some of you. What I am about to say will shock the rest of you...maybe.

Let's recap: I want to go to Pasadena and do an internship - Midnight Oil - with the Pasadena International House of Prayer [PIHOP]. I am on disability here in Ontario, Canada. The program is called Ontario Disability Support Program [ODSP]. They don't allow their clients to leave the province for more than thirty days without asking for permission. They DO allow them to leave under special circumstances but the request needs to be in writing. I wrote a letter asking for permission in hopes that this could be considered a 'special circumstance'. The request was DENIED.

So what am I supposed to do now? You know what? I'm going to work towards my dream anyways. I know what ODSP has said. I know I will most likely lose my support. But during church today, I felt that this was all God's plan; that it was God's plan for ODSP to say NO. Why, you might be asking, would it be in God's plan to have ODSP deny me this request? I believe it's a test. I was sitting there feeling somewhat bummed and I felt the Lord ask my heart, "How badly do you want this?"

I want it pretty badly. Badly enough to risk everything and follow the Lord God where He leads. Because following God where He leads is going to cost you, and YOU have to decide if it's worth it all. I COULD sigh and say, "It is what it is," and go on living my comfortable life in Sarnia, Ontario. I COULD do that. But I won't. Because I want this more than anything I have ever wanted in life. It's WORTH IT. It's WORTH the cost of losing ODSP. It's just MONEY. Oh well. You think that I'm going to be caring about that when Time is at the end and I'm standing before my Lord and King listening as He tells me, "Well done, good and faithful servant."?

The internship is WORTH the cost of what I might have to pay. Following God is WORTH the cost of whatever it is that He's asking me to give up. I DON'T CARE. Mandie, you're going to LOSE your money to pay for your drugs. I DON'T CARE. Mandie, this is ridiculous. I DON'T CARE. Mandie, this is not the regular way of life. I DON'T CARE. Mandie, think about the COST! I DON'T CARE!

I'm following God and that's all there is to it. I have already decided I would work towards this thing. I have already decided that if you're going to be all "Negative Nancy" about this, it means that you're against me and not for me. Never mind GOD fighting for me, I'M fighting for my dream and for myself on this. LOL! Seriously though. I got an image of the disciples waking up Jesus in order to calm the storm that was raging all around them and their boat. Only...Jesus was pretty perturbed. He was all, "Have I taught you NOTHING? I have given YOU the authority. YOU calm the storm." So I WILL calm my storm and I WILL own this mountain.  I am CONSUMED by His love and His mercy and His grace and there's no way I'm ever going to give this up. Never, EVER, ever.

I CAN and I WILL...WATCH ME.

faithful friday: staying calm

'Nuff said. [not my image]

So 2014 has passed and now it's 2015. I make a goal every January to make that year the best year of my life. I can honestly say that 2014, though there were some valleys, was the best year of my life. I started a journey with God that is far from over and I can't wait to see what He has planned for me. Actually, I already know what He has planned for me. I just don't know how it's going to play out.

In October He began speaking to me about things. Things that are starting to come to pass even now. One of the things He spoke to my spirit was that things were going to happen in December. An email I had received had confirmed this. It was amazing and totally unexpected although I probably should have expected it, huh? But I didn't expect it and it was amazing.

So, based on what I felt by Holy Spirit, I did something that could alter the direction of 2015 for me. I wrote a letter to ODSP asking for permission to leave the province - and country - to go do the internship down in Pasadena [I mentioned this many times already, about my desire to go to Pasadena to do an internship there with PIHOP]. I was completely truthful and I was completely honest. I told them the dates in which I would be gone - done way in advance so they would know - and I totally honoured them completely and wholeheartedly. I could've asked for an application from PIHOP, filled it out, and then mailed it off, but I felt the prompting by Holy Spirit to honour and respect the 'authority' over me to go to them first and honour them FIRST and FOREMOST. So I did that. I was absolutely terrified printing out the letter and then stuffing it in the envelope. I was even more terrified when I actually mailed it.

That was around the beginning of December. I didn't hear from them at all. But then, I wasn't too worried. I assumed that they were contemplating my request and all that [after all, it is a big deal asking to leave the province without losing my support].

December 30th rolled around and I had an appointment in London for a cystogram [x-ray of my bladder or kidneys, I'm not too sure]. 

To make a long story short, or relatively short, my numbers kept creeping up and they [the docs] didn't know why so they scheduled me a biopsy, to make sure everything was okay. That was fine only when I went for it, they did an ultrasound and discovered I had 'hydronephrosis' which is water in the kidneys. That meant that somewhere in my plumbing system I have an obstruction or kink. The doctor who was supposed to have done my biopsy caught this and said that this was probably why my numbers have been high. He said that 'call it intuition or whatever' but it was his belief that this was what was causing my numbers to be high. Being a doctor, though, he had to cover all his bases but honestly? I believe that it was HOLY SPIRIT who had told him that it wasn't my kidney at all! 

ALSO, and this is really cool, especially since I have never spoken about this in public or in private, my kidney problems all started because of hydronephrosis. When I was in the womb, my mom had a couple of ultrasounds where the tech kept exclaiming how my bladder was pretty full. That's because I couldn't empty it properly [I use a catheter now]. I think that's pretty cool.

ANYWAY, back to December 30. I had a cystogram scheduled. I went and as it turned out, I didn't have it done because I had a bladder infection. So I had to get some antibiotics. There is a point to this whole thing, I promise. So we went to the hospital pharmacy and waited to get it filled. Then they had to call my home pharmacy to get my drug card so I only had to pay two dollars instead of seventeen dollars. They called and uh oh, they didn't have my drug card [I gave my December and January drug cards to the driver so he could give them to the pharmacist]. They couldn't find them. I gave them to the driver so it's not my fault. So then they had to call my caseworker at ODSP - and here is where I was going with all this - to see if they could fax my card and stuff. So they needed my consent and I got on the phone with the dude who had no sense of humour: "So has this been happening recently or is this just a one-off do you think?" Me: "Well, I HOPE it's just a one-off!" Everybody around me laughed at my tone except for him. HE didn't laugh. Whatever. And then he said AS AN ASIDE [noun: a remark that is not directly related to the main topic of discussion] and ON THE PHONE that he received my letter asking to go to California and that they couldn't approve it. !!!!! Not only that but he then had the gall to wish me a Happy New Year. !!!!!

So as you can imagine I was pretty upset. I was proud of myself for not bursting into tears right in the middle of the pharmacy. I was blinking a lot, but I made sure to not cry in public. No, I waited until I was in the car before I let it all out [and I wound up shocking my mom]. My mom said all the right things, but I was upset and I was entitled to feel what I was feeling so I felt pretty crappy on the way to Woodstock [I'm in Toronto for a conference]. I listened to Addison Road's "Fight Another Day" and Taylor Swift's "Shake It Off" on my iPod so that felt nice. LOL!

But yes. I felt - and still feel - completely disrespected and dishonoured by ODSP. I even had a talk with God and told Him that I felt disrespected and dishonoured by them. HE understood and HE cares about me and how I'm feeling. As soon as I told Him how I felt He gave me a verse, Exodus 14:14, which says in the New Living Translation: "The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm."

So I will stay calm. God has told me that I would go to California and I believe that I will, with or without my support for ODSP [He has given me an idea to fund raise for this and I'm still talking to Him about it]. But I really am calm as He has told me that He, Himself, will fight for me. I'm not sure how this will all play out but I do know that it will be in MY favour. The Lord has told me this, after all. God will have His way. I just have to stay calm.

thankful thursday: thank you!

''Nuff said. (this image doesn't belong to me)

This post is not about me nor is it about my walk with God and what He's doing in my life. I say that because my blog is just that: a place where I can share what God has been doing in my life and what I feel He's saying to me. But this post is going to stray from that and who knows? Maybe God DID put this post on my heart for a reason. We'll see.

I'm sure you all have heard about the beheading of American journalists, James Foley and Steven Sotloff.

For a few weeks now I've been immersed in articles on both Foley and Sotloff, wanting to know who they were, what they did, what they were like, etc, etc. Why would I take the time to get to know these two brave men? Because I believe that what they did, and what they both accomplished in their young lives, are of value and they are NOT just a name you hear on the TV as you read the paper or play Spider Solitaire or whatever else you do. They were people, they both had amazing careers, they had families, they had friends, and above all, they were both loved.

Many of us, myself included, don't take the time to get to know the people who bring us the big stories from countries of conflict, extreme weather [Hurricane Katrina, Asian tsunami, etc, etc], earthquakes, floods, etc, etc. The list goes on and on. They are just names, faceless, even. How many of us remember Daniel Pearl, an American journalist with the Wall Street Journal who was beheaded by al-Qaeda back in 2002? I read his wife's book, A Mighty Heart, and it was really interesting [albeit heartbreaking because you knew how the story would end]. 

Another one would be American television journalist, Bob Woodruff, who was in a convoy that got hit by a roadside bomb in Iraq in 2006. Thankfully, he survived and he's still doing his thing today. He was one of the blessed ones. Others, like those above, were not so lucky.

That's why I'm wanting to start a movement on social media in thanking those reporters and journalists for all that they do, for all that they see, in order to bring us the stories that need to be told. Reading about both Foley and Sotloff opened my eyes to the dangers that they, as well as others like them, face on a somewhat daily basis. They didn't have to be there, nobody forced them to go, and they both went on their own accord simply because they both believed in what they did and they cared enough about people around them to go and tell their stories. They knew the risks...and they went anyway.

Who is with me? Who wants to stand with me and thank those fearless journalists and reporters for doing what they do, for risking their very lives in order to bring us the news from around the world that we should know about?

Use the hashtags, #ThankYouJournalists and #ThankYouReporters, on social media sites to get the word out and give back to James Foley and Steven Sotloff as well as those who died before them, for those journalists and reporters who risk their lives consistently and without fear like Anderson Cooper, for those journalists and reporters who got hurt in the 'line of duty' like Bob Woodruff, and also for those journalists and reporters who are still in school wanting to be the next Anderson Cooper or James Foley or Steven Sotloff or even the next Bob Woodruff [and why not? These guys are all amazing].

Oh, and it's not just for the American reporters and journalists. I'm sure there are MANY others from many different countries who risk their lives doing what they do.

Thank you guys for ALL that you do! It can't be easy all the time and so I just wanted to give you guys credit. You guys rock and I'm here giving you ALL a round of applause [I sure hope you can hear it from heaven, Steven, Daniel, and James, as well as many others who unfortunately passed on]!

We love you!

#ThankYouJournalists #ThankYouReporters

faithful friday: i know my life is not my own

Me circa 2010. My mom and I were driving through the Rockies

[NOTE: I know that I have been slacking on this blog. I apologize, but I have so many thoughts and so many things I want to say that I ask that you please be patient with me. I have, like, twelve or thirteen draft posts waiting in the queue on this thing.]

Have you ever felt the call of God on your life? I feel the call of God so strongly right now it's kind of scary. I only had this feeling one other time and that was on the way back from my first missions trip to New Orleans six months after Katrina hit. I was lying on some pillows thrown on the floor of a classroom at a church we were staying in for the night [it was pretty much a two-day trip to New Orleans and back so we had to stop somewhere along the way for the night].

Anyway, I could not get to sleep. Something deep inside me was stirring. I felt as if I were going to jump out of my skin if I didn't do what God wanted me to do. I jumped up and ran into the bathroom across the hall. I locked the door and then I cried silent tears. It was perhaps the first time I probably heard, REALLY HEARD, God call me by name. So I was in the bathroom, pacing in a circle, trying to understand what it was that God wanted me to do. Did He give me direction? No. Did He give me advice? No. Did He give me a clear vision of what my destiny looked like? No. He merely just wanted me to know that He was there and that I hadn't even begun taking steps to fulfill His purpose for my life. It was a beautiful moment and one that I will never forget.

That was in 2006. Now it's 2014 and again, I feel and hear the call of God so strongly right now, at this moment. My birthday was on July 18 and I turned 31. I asked God what He wanted to say to me on my birthday, expecting an awesome blessing. Well, I suppose it could be a blessing. Heh. But this is what He told me:

"It's time for you to get uncomfortable."

Remember my last post about living a non-traditional life? About how I was at a crossroads and I had to make a choice? I made that choice and I chose to follow after God wholeheartedly no matter what ANYONE says.

I'm on the brink of something. I can feel it and I can hear it rumbling in the distance in the spirit realm. I know that I know that I know that I know that I KNOW that God wants me to go. I think I've mentioned quite a few times that I had been wanting to go to Pasadena, California, to do an internship there with the Pasadena International House of Prayer. I firmly believe that God has been telling me to go. When, I'm not sure. But he has been bugging me about this for several months now and I've been putting it off. I keep hearing God telling me to 'get ready'.

So when God says move, you can be sure that I WILL move. My life is not my own. I am not satisfied with the status quo any longer. I need and want so much more than I have now.

So, for now, I'm going to lock myself away in the [read: my] Secret Place with Daddy God in order to hear clearly as to what HE wants me to do, what HE wants me to say, and how HE wants me to act. Does this mean I'm going to lock myself in my room for however long he wants me to? NO. Just because He wants me all to Himself doesn't mean I have to hibernate like a bear during the winter. No, I just sense that He wants me to focus on Him right now and shut out all the other voices that are calling out to me day in and day out.

I won't abandon this blog, either. I have so much I want to say, and I have so much I need to share that I have to get it off my chest somehow. LOL! 

I have to focus on Him. It's time for me to form my own beliefs on certain things and it's time for me to dig my own well. That's what I have been hearing for a long while now. I have to dig my own well. What that means is that I want to see breakthrough in my life. I want God to actually move in my life. I have so many dreams that God has placed in me that I don't want to keep talking about them...I want to actually go about doing them!

So, for now, I'm putting my job hunting on hold for the time being and I'm just going to focus on Him. What that means exactly, I'm not sure, but I know for a fact that I have to do this. There is no other way. Also, too, is the distinct alienation I'm starting to feel come about. Not that I'm depressed or anything. Quite the opposite. I just sense, as I said above, that God wants me to shut out all other voices and just focus on Him...and only Him. I want to live in an atmosphere of His Presence and I want to live in an atmosphere of His peace. 

Oh, I'll continue to live my life and stuff. But it's so easy to get burdened down by all of life's demands and such that if you don't have God in your life, it can be really overwhelming and stressful. I definitely won't be putting my entire life on hold! I won't be able to live without my church or my prayer and intercession meetings at church! The way things have been going, though, is not working for me. Something needs to give.

God has been calling me and calling me. I have finally answered His call and said one simple word that completely terrifies me but it also completely excites me: YES.

servanthood saturday: a life lived nontraditionally

Me, late at night

Okay, I need to get this out. If I don't, I fear that I will lose my courage. Because this is deeply personal to me. This is, like, sacred to me. I don't know why I'm bothering to write this post so millions, if not thousands, if not tens of people will read this. I just don't know. But I DO know. It's so that people can pray for me if the urge arises. It's to let people know that it's completely okay to live life differently.

This is about a life being lived nontraditionally.

I grew up with the notion that your life has to follow this route: school, job, more school, still same job, more schooling only it's university or college, hopefully career, then maybe an engagement or wedding thrown in, then family.

But what happens when God goes and upends your life and is like, "Okay! Your life is about to change on a dime. I have put dreams into your spirit that can ONLY be realized by you. Yeah, you. Little, unemployed, practically broke YOU. I want you to relinquish the reins because I have to tell you, babe, your life is no longer your own. Get used to it."

Oh yes. He told me all of that Himself. Okay, maybe not in those EXACT words, but that's pretty much the gist of it. I have been feeling out of sorts for a while now. I have no idea why. I'm not depressed, because I have a new outlook on life. I'm not sick either, because I feel fantastic. Actually, scratch that. I DO know why. It's because I have come to a crossroads and I have a big decision to make. One that has the power to change my future, my destiny, and my entire being.

Going back to the notion of your whole life being mapped out, I know now that that is not what God has been calling me to do. I have been feeling for quite some time now that God has been wanting me to step up my game. It's MY turn now. As it says in the FM Static song, "Take Me As I Am", I'm up, there's no more time, to try to mess with this design.

God has been calling me and calling me for a long while now. A LONG time. And while He has indulged my childish ways, I'm starting to sense that my petulant ways will no longer fly.

I am not too keen on this post that I'm writing right now. I really don't like this. I'm sorry, but I need to bring this up. I don't know what's going to happen, but I do know that there is no easy way to say this.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not knocking the traditional life in any way. I think it's GREAT to get your high school diploma. I think it's GREAT to find a job and make money. But...it should also be okay if God decides to upends all that and throws everything into a whirlwind until you have no idea which way is up or which way is down. The only things you ARE sure of is your own name, and God could easily change THAT too, and knowing that God is watching over you.

Going back to what I said earlier, I've been feeling a little out of sorts lately. I'm not sick, I'm not depressed, and I am content with my life. But something has been going on with me indeed. I'm facing a big decision here [and yes, I AM aware I'm probably repeating myself]. My life is about to turn on a DIME. I can feel it, I can sense it, and I KNOW it's a completely God-thing. 

God has been talking to me about true intimacy with Him. Now, I have no idea what intimacy is. I really don't. My dad died when I was a baby and so I haven't exactly been subjected to the intimacy between a man and his wife. I DO watch soap operas - I know, I KNOW - and we all know that those characters don't even know the meaning of the word 'intimacy'. I never had a boyfriend. I had never been out on a date. I have never been kissed. That sounds weird coming from a thirty year old single woman, huh? But I truly believe that it was because God has set me apart from peeps in my generation - not that there's anything bad about my generation - and had been protecting me for such a time as this. All I have to say is that my Prince Charming, whomever he may be, better be worth it!

So back to what God had been speaking to me about lately. It's more than just going deeper and deeper into true intimacy with Him. God has put dreams into my spirit and heart that can ONLY be fulfilled by me. Nobody else can do what God has called me to do. NOBODY. And, at this present time, I have a BIG decision to make. I haven't made it yet, and that's mainly the reason why I'm all out of sorts right now. This decision I'm faced with is BIGGER than myself, it's bigger than my LIFE.

God has been calling me and calling me for some time now and I have been ignoring Him -- out of fear. It's true. Because I know what He's asking of me and I know what He wants me to do. But I've been ignoring Him. If I'm to give Him my all, my EVERYTHING, forsaking all that I know, everything that is tangible by worldly standards, I can NEVER go back. I can NEVER go back to who I have always been. My life, as I have known it for thirty years [I turn thirty one in July], will be over. My current relationships - family/friends/church/acquaintances/Facebook friends/etc, etc - will change FOREVER. The sheer power of intimacy with my God will completely ruin me.

Now obviously I'm going to say yes to Him. But this decision is NOT to be taken lightly. I have to think about the "consequences" of my decision and I have to be okay with them. I'm not there yet. Will I be okay if nobody else decides to stand with me in this life-altering decision? Could I truly live with my decision if my own FAMILY does not understand what I'm currently facing right now? Will they still love me if I throw caution to the wind and give myself in total abandonment to God? Will I still be okay if nobody has my back on this? My life will no longer be my own; would I be able to live with that? The truth of the matter is this: I am not sure. All I truly know is that I am completely terrified because what God is asking of me...it feels as if I'm standing at a steep precipice and I know I'm supposed to jump into the air so God can catch me but for whatever reason, or, more accurately, excuse, I'm afraid to jump.

It's completely crazy, isn't it? That I know that I know that I KNOW that God has been calling me and calling me to walk out my destiny...and yet I'm afraid to let go and let God. You know how I've been talking about in previous posts that I feel 'trapped' within the four 'walls' of Ontario and I have been watching others fly in their destiny but I've felt as if my wings have been clipped?

 This song, "Fly", by amazing Christian musician Jason Upton had been a total confirmation of pretty much EVERYTHING that God has been speaking to me about. I've heard it before but honestly? Not long after God had brought me to the crossroads in my life these past few weeks, I was at a meeting at my church where my pastor had played this song as worship before the meeting [we were watching a DVD teaching of "The Ascended Life" by  Bill Johnson]. Even though I had heard this song before, it really spoke to my spirit. I've been soaking in this song nonstop every time I go to bed. The best part is that you can clearly hear angels singing in the background [no joke, I swear]!! I hope it ministers to you like it has for me.

Another song that had really ministered to me is "I've Seen I AM" by Jonathan David Helser. I've been soaking in that song as well.

All I know right now is that God has been calling me to start walking out my destiny. Not sure what that looks like yet, but I only want to move when He moves. I'm still feeling out of sorts about this, but I think I know that everything will be okay. One thing I DO know is that God has given me a Scripture for this season that I'm currently in right now:

"The Lord will guard your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forever." - Psalm 121:8 [NASB]

You know what? I think that everything will be okay. I will be okay.