The title was inspired by this blog. Ever since reading it, I keep hearing the title in my head...and heart. For a long time now, my heart hasn't been happy. Or, more accurately, not as happy as it could be. I'm not depressed. I actually love my life. But...my heart is just not that happy. And I think I know why.
For quite some time now at church we've been talking about dreaming again, writing down our dreams, and taking steps to go about them. Because that is exactly what God wants us to do. He has put dreams inside all of us but circumstances and/or self-sabotage has caused us to lay them down. For me, on the other hand, it was because of hope deferred.
"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life." - Proverbs 13:12 [NLT]
Okay, I am going to be really transparent and put everything out there [well, not EVERYTHING].
Back in 2005, God had put a dream inside of me to do...something. What, I didn't know at the time but it had something to do loving the unlovable. You can read it here. Still don't know what that means. Still don't know how it will work out.
Flash forward to 2006. A bit of revival had broken out in one of my city's local churches, Bethel Pentecostal, and they were having nightly services. During one of these services, I felt God speak into my heart about starting up a 24-7 House of Prayer [for those of you wanting to know about what a house of prayer is, I urge you to check out IHOP]. And, obviously it won't be like that. Of COURSE it won't be like that. That, too, hasn't happened yet.
But I DID go to a ministry school in 2006 as well. And it was AMAZING. It really, really was. Now, you would think that God would instill in me all kinds of plans and directions for the future, right? Yeah, I thought so too. But did He? DID HE?! No! He showed me all kinds of cool stuff and spoke beautiful things to me and over me and through me, and I learned all kinds of interesting things over the four months I was there...but not ONCE did he give me any idea of what I should do next. So there I was, with a week left of school, and I was getting desperate to what I should do after the school was over. I prayed about maybe applying for another school, but I felt that God didn't want me to apply for one. So I didn't. I applied for a few internships they had there, but unfortunately they didn't pan out, so I was stuck.
And I went home. I've been home ever since. Between then and now I've left one church, went to another one and I've been with the second one since I've left the first church and it's been crazy good and amazing and my relationship with God has increased mightily. I'm on both the Ministry and Prophetic teams and there was a season of which I was on the Worship team.
But my heart hasn't been as happy as it could be. I don't know, it feels as if I have picked up mantles of what I should be doing that have been placed by other people. I should be getting my high school diploma, I should have a job, I should do things in the traditional way, I should do this, I should do that. Okay, yes, those are ALL good things; great things even. But...I don't know. I just have this feeling deep in my spirit that I'm not meant to live my life in the 'traditional' way: got to school, graduate, find job, get married, have kids, etc, etc. Besides, why must I live my life according to other people's expectations? Why can't I just live MY life the way I want to? I don't tell others how they should live their lives, so why should mine be any different?
My dream is to go apply for an internship at the Pasadena International House of Prayer. That has been my dream for over two years now. Maybe more. This excites me more than anything. If somebody said to me that they would give me a load of money to be able to go RIGHT NOW I would do it in a heartbeat. IN A HEARTBEAT. I actually have been talking to others about this and you know what? Maybe it was false expectations or whatever else, but I just feel that nobody else is as excited as I am about this. And it's been a real toll on my heart and soul because to be honest? It's hard to be excited about something if nobody else is. But honestly? In my spirit, in my heart, and in my mind, I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is something that I need to do. Yes, it will be all the way in California, and yes, I would be away from my family, my friends, my pets, and my church family. But you know what? Staying here, in my city, being surrounded by familiar things and staying where it's comfortable? I'm NOT going to find out who I really am. I will NOT be able to grow in leaps and bounds if I stay in my comfort zone.
This has been a source of contention between my mom and I [which is why I haven't brought it up AT ALL in a year or so]. I get disability once a month due my health issues from the government and it's called Ontario Disability Support Program and if I can't leave my province because they might cut me off and my medicine is ridiculously expensive so there would be no way to pay for them. THAT is what my mom believes. Me, I believe the opposite. When it was first brought to my attention by Holy Spirit [because who else could it be?] I went through the entire thought process myself and ended up at 'NO WAY COULD THIS EVER WORK'. But then Holy Spirit spoke to me and asked me these simple questions:
- Do you trust Me enough to lead you to where you have to go?
- Do you trust Me enough to lead you through the airports to get you to the right place at the right time? [Believe me, I went online and checked: you have to make a stop somewhere before arriving in Pasadena]
- Do you trust Me enough to provide for you while you're gone and while you're away?
- Do you trust Me enough to let this happen?
- Do you trust Me enough to make the jump?
And the answer is this: YES. Yes, yes, a million times yes! I'm more than ready and more than willing to let go of myself and just jump. I know I can do it, too. I had a vision a few years back where I was taken up to heaven and I opened a door to the outside and it was just a drop down. So I took a leap and fell...and landed on the back of this gigantic eagle [I only remembered the vision two seconds ago]. It was amazing and scary.
This may sound weird but for years I've been feeling as if I were a bird in a cage that is Ontario [because as far as ODSP is concerned, I can't do anything if I leave the boundaries of the province]. I've been watching other 'birds' fly off to Redding, California, to Australia and New Zealand, to wherever else and there I am, stuck in the cage not being able to do anything that I want. How come other people can fly but not me? I want to fly, dammit!! I WANT TO FLY. I don't know, but sometimes this ODSP feels like a chain and a curse more than a blessing. I can probably do a little research online and see what they actually say about being out of province and go from there. We'll see.
I'm just tired of having things like expectations from other people and negative feelings being spoken over me and my life. Because that can happen and while you may not see it, you DO pick it up and place it on yourself. Trust me. I KNOW. It really bites because no matter how hard I try to fight it, it just beats me down and I feel like crap, judging myself [and God] every step of the way.
This past Sunday, my pastor preached on the story in the Bible where Peter seen Jesus and got out of the boat and started walking on the water. It was crazy how Mary Jane preached on what I was feeling inside. What was even more crazy was a few seconds in, I CLEARLY heard Daddy God say, "Get out of the boat and WALK." Now, you could argue that that was a Mandie thought, but here's how I knew it was all God: My heart started pounding and a total feeling of anxiety and fear came over me. Because I knew EXACTLY what He wanted me to do and, trust me when I say this, IT IS A TOTAL LEAP OF FAITH to do what He is asking of me. But then, God often works and moves in the most inopportune of times, doesn't He?
So, I'm going to work on making my heart happy again. It's exciting and scary and nerve-wracking all at once. But I know that, as long as I hang on tight to Daddy God's hand, it will be all right. After all, as I keep hearing from several people, how do you spell FAITH? R-I-S-K.
This may sound weird but for years I've been feeling as if I were a bird in a cage that is Ontario [because as far as ODSP is concerned, I can't do anything if I leave the boundaries of the province]. I've been watching other 'birds' fly off to Redding, California, to Australia and New Zealand, to wherever else and there I am, stuck in the cage not being able to do anything that I want. How come other people can fly but not me? I want to fly, dammit!! I WANT TO FLY. I don't know, but sometimes this ODSP feels like a chain and a curse more than a blessing. I can probably do a little research online and see what they actually say about being out of province and go from there. We'll see.
I'm just tired of having things like expectations from other people and negative feelings being spoken over me and my life. Because that can happen and while you may not see it, you DO pick it up and place it on yourself. Trust me. I KNOW. It really bites because no matter how hard I try to fight it, it just beats me down and I feel like crap, judging myself [and God] every step of the way.
This past Sunday, my pastor preached on the story in the Bible where Peter seen Jesus and got out of the boat and started walking on the water. It was crazy how Mary Jane preached on what I was feeling inside. What was even more crazy was a few seconds in, I CLEARLY heard Daddy God say, "Get out of the boat and WALK." Now, you could argue that that was a Mandie thought, but here's how I knew it was all God: My heart started pounding and a total feeling of anxiety and fear came over me. Because I knew EXACTLY what He wanted me to do and, trust me when I say this, IT IS A TOTAL LEAP OF FAITH to do what He is asking of me. But then, God often works and moves in the most inopportune of times, doesn't He?
So, I'm going to work on making my heart happy again. It's exciting and scary and nerve-wracking all at once. But I know that, as long as I hang on tight to Daddy God's hand, it will be all right. After all, as I keep hearing from several people, how do you spell FAITH? R-I-S-K.