the audacity of my faith

Hi!

You know how in my last blog post I was talking about how the Lord will fight for me in the midst of what was happening in my life? Yeah, throw that out. LOL!

What I am about to say will not be a shock to some of you. What I am about to say will shock the rest of you...maybe.

Let's recap: I want to go to Pasadena and do an internship - Midnight Oil - with the Pasadena International House of Prayer [PIHOP]. I am on disability here in Ontario, Canada. The program is called Ontario Disability Support Program [ODSP]. They don't allow their clients to leave the province for more than thirty days without asking for permission. They DO allow them to leave under special circumstances but the request needs to be in writing. I wrote a letter asking for permission in hopes that this could be considered a 'special circumstance'. The request was DENIED.

So what am I supposed to do now? You know what? I'm going to work towards my dream anyways. I know what ODSP has said. I know I will most likely lose my support. But during church today, I felt that this was all God's plan; that it was God's plan for ODSP to say NO. Why, you might be asking, would it be in God's plan to have ODSP deny me this request? I believe it's a test. I was sitting there feeling somewhat bummed and I felt the Lord ask my heart, "How badly do you want this?"

I want it pretty badly. Badly enough to risk everything and follow the Lord God where He leads. Because following God where He leads is going to cost you, and YOU have to decide if it's worth it all. I COULD sigh and say, "It is what it is," and go on living my comfortable life in Sarnia, Ontario. I COULD do that. But I won't. Because I want this more than anything I have ever wanted in life. It's WORTH IT. It's WORTH the cost of losing ODSP. It's just MONEY. Oh well. You think that I'm going to be caring about that when Time is at the end and I'm standing before my Lord and King listening as He tells me, "Well done, good and faithful servant."?

The internship is WORTH the cost of what I might have to pay. Following God is WORTH the cost of whatever it is that He's asking me to give up. I DON'T CARE. Mandie, you're going to LOSE your money to pay for your drugs. I DON'T CARE. Mandie, this is ridiculous. I DON'T CARE. Mandie, this is not the regular way of life. I DON'T CARE. Mandie, think about the COST! I DON'T CARE!

I'm following God and that's all there is to it. I have already decided I would work towards this thing. I have already decided that if you're going to be all "Negative Nancy" about this, it means that you're against me and not for me. Never mind GOD fighting for me, I'M fighting for my dream and for myself on this. LOL! Seriously though. I got an image of the disciples waking up Jesus in order to calm the storm that was raging all around them and their boat. Only...Jesus was pretty perturbed. He was all, "Have I taught you NOTHING? I have given YOU the authority. YOU calm the storm." So I WILL calm my storm and I WILL own this mountain.  I am CONSUMED by His love and His mercy and His grace and there's no way I'm ever going to give this up. Never, EVER, ever.

I CAN and I WILL...WATCH ME.

faithful friday: staying calm

'Nuff said. [not my image]

So 2014 has passed and now it's 2015. I make a goal every January to make that year the best year of my life. I can honestly say that 2014, though there were some valleys, was the best year of my life. I started a journey with God that is far from over and I can't wait to see what He has planned for me. Actually, I already know what He has planned for me. I just don't know how it's going to play out.

In October He began speaking to me about things. Things that are starting to come to pass even now. One of the things He spoke to my spirit was that things were going to happen in December. An email I had received had confirmed this. It was amazing and totally unexpected although I probably should have expected it, huh? But I didn't expect it and it was amazing.

So, based on what I felt by Holy Spirit, I did something that could alter the direction of 2015 for me. I wrote a letter to ODSP asking for permission to leave the province - and country - to go do the internship down in Pasadena [I mentioned this many times already, about my desire to go to Pasadena to do an internship there with PIHOP]. I was completely truthful and I was completely honest. I told them the dates in which I would be gone - done way in advance so they would know - and I totally honoured them completely and wholeheartedly. I could've asked for an application from PIHOP, filled it out, and then mailed it off, but I felt the prompting by Holy Spirit to honour and respect the 'authority' over me to go to them first and honour them FIRST and FOREMOST. So I did that. I was absolutely terrified printing out the letter and then stuffing it in the envelope. I was even more terrified when I actually mailed it.

That was around the beginning of December. I didn't hear from them at all. But then, I wasn't too worried. I assumed that they were contemplating my request and all that [after all, it is a big deal asking to leave the province without losing my support].

December 30th rolled around and I had an appointment in London for a cystogram [x-ray of my bladder or kidneys, I'm not too sure]. 

To make a long story short, or relatively short, my numbers kept creeping up and they [the docs] didn't know why so they scheduled me a biopsy, to make sure everything was okay. That was fine only when I went for it, they did an ultrasound and discovered I had 'hydronephrosis' which is water in the kidneys. That meant that somewhere in my plumbing system I have an obstruction or kink. The doctor who was supposed to have done my biopsy caught this and said that this was probably why my numbers have been high. He said that 'call it intuition or whatever' but it was his belief that this was what was causing my numbers to be high. Being a doctor, though, he had to cover all his bases but honestly? I believe that it was HOLY SPIRIT who had told him that it wasn't my kidney at all! 

ALSO, and this is really cool, especially since I have never spoken about this in public or in private, my kidney problems all started because of hydronephrosis. When I was in the womb, my mom had a couple of ultrasounds where the tech kept exclaiming how my bladder was pretty full. That's because I couldn't empty it properly [I use a catheter now]. I think that's pretty cool.

ANYWAY, back to December 30. I had a cystogram scheduled. I went and as it turned out, I didn't have it done because I had a bladder infection. So I had to get some antibiotics. There is a point to this whole thing, I promise. So we went to the hospital pharmacy and waited to get it filled. Then they had to call my home pharmacy to get my drug card so I only had to pay two dollars instead of seventeen dollars. They called and uh oh, they didn't have my drug card [I gave my December and January drug cards to the driver so he could give them to the pharmacist]. They couldn't find them. I gave them to the driver so it's not my fault. So then they had to call my caseworker at ODSP - and here is where I was going with all this - to see if they could fax my card and stuff. So they needed my consent and I got on the phone with the dude who had no sense of humour: "So has this been happening recently or is this just a one-off do you think?" Me: "Well, I HOPE it's just a one-off!" Everybody around me laughed at my tone except for him. HE didn't laugh. Whatever. And then he said AS AN ASIDE [noun: a remark that is not directly related to the main topic of discussion] and ON THE PHONE that he received my letter asking to go to California and that they couldn't approve it. !!!!! Not only that but he then had the gall to wish me a Happy New Year. !!!!!

So as you can imagine I was pretty upset. I was proud of myself for not bursting into tears right in the middle of the pharmacy. I was blinking a lot, but I made sure to not cry in public. No, I waited until I was in the car before I let it all out [and I wound up shocking my mom]. My mom said all the right things, but I was upset and I was entitled to feel what I was feeling so I felt pretty crappy on the way to Woodstock [I'm in Toronto for a conference]. I listened to Addison Road's "Fight Another Day" and Taylor Swift's "Shake It Off" on my iPod so that felt nice. LOL!

But yes. I felt - and still feel - completely disrespected and dishonoured by ODSP. I even had a talk with God and told Him that I felt disrespected and dishonoured by them. HE understood and HE cares about me and how I'm feeling. As soon as I told Him how I felt He gave me a verse, Exodus 14:14, which says in the New Living Translation: "The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm."

So I will stay calm. God has told me that I would go to California and I believe that I will, with or without my support for ODSP [He has given me an idea to fund raise for this and I'm still talking to Him about it]. But I really am calm as He has told me that He, Himself, will fight for me. I'm not sure how this will all play out but I do know that it will be in MY favour. The Lord has told me this, after all. God will have His way. I just have to stay calm.