thankful thursday: thank you!

''Nuff said. (this image doesn't belong to me)

This post is not about me nor is it about my walk with God and what He's doing in my life. I say that because my blog is just that: a place where I can share what God has been doing in my life and what I feel He's saying to me. But this post is going to stray from that and who knows? Maybe God DID put this post on my heart for a reason. We'll see.

I'm sure you all have heard about the beheading of American journalists, James Foley and Steven Sotloff.

For a few weeks now I've been immersed in articles on both Foley and Sotloff, wanting to know who they were, what they did, what they were like, etc, etc. Why would I take the time to get to know these two brave men? Because I believe that what they did, and what they both accomplished in their young lives, are of value and they are NOT just a name you hear on the TV as you read the paper or play Spider Solitaire or whatever else you do. They were people, they both had amazing careers, they had families, they had friends, and above all, they were both loved.

Many of us, myself included, don't take the time to get to know the people who bring us the big stories from countries of conflict, extreme weather [Hurricane Katrina, Asian tsunami, etc, etc], earthquakes, floods, etc, etc. The list goes on and on. They are just names, faceless, even. How many of us remember Daniel Pearl, an American journalist with the Wall Street Journal who was beheaded by al-Qaeda back in 2002? I read his wife's book, A Mighty Heart, and it was really interesting [albeit heartbreaking because you knew how the story would end]. 

Another one would be American television journalist, Bob Woodruff, who was in a convoy that got hit by a roadside bomb in Iraq in 2006. Thankfully, he survived and he's still doing his thing today. He was one of the blessed ones. Others, like those above, were not so lucky.

That's why I'm wanting to start a movement on social media in thanking those reporters and journalists for all that they do, for all that they see, in order to bring us the stories that need to be told. Reading about both Foley and Sotloff opened my eyes to the dangers that they, as well as others like them, face on a somewhat daily basis. They didn't have to be there, nobody forced them to go, and they both went on their own accord simply because they both believed in what they did and they cared enough about people around them to go and tell their stories. They knew the risks...and they went anyway.

Who is with me? Who wants to stand with me and thank those fearless journalists and reporters for doing what they do, for risking their very lives in order to bring us the news from around the world that we should know about?

Use the hashtags, #ThankYouJournalists and #ThankYouReporters, on social media sites to get the word out and give back to James Foley and Steven Sotloff as well as those who died before them, for those journalists and reporters who risk their lives consistently and without fear like Anderson Cooper, for those journalists and reporters who got hurt in the 'line of duty' like Bob Woodruff, and also for those journalists and reporters who are still in school wanting to be the next Anderson Cooper or James Foley or Steven Sotloff or even the next Bob Woodruff [and why not? These guys are all amazing].

Oh, and it's not just for the American reporters and journalists. I'm sure there are MANY others from many different countries who risk their lives doing what they do.

Thank you guys for ALL that you do! It can't be easy all the time and so I just wanted to give you guys credit. You guys rock and I'm here giving you ALL a round of applause [I sure hope you can hear it from heaven, Steven, Daniel, and James, as well as many others who unfortunately passed on]!

We love you!

#ThankYouJournalists #ThankYouReporters

faithful friday: i know my life is not my own

Me circa 2010. My mom and I were driving through the Rockies

[NOTE: I know that I have been slacking on this blog. I apologize, but I have so many thoughts and so many things I want to say that I ask that you please be patient with me. I have, like, twelve or thirteen draft posts waiting in the queue on this thing.]

Have you ever felt the call of God on your life? I feel the call of God so strongly right now it's kind of scary. I only had this feeling one other time and that was on the way back from my first missions trip to New Orleans six months after Katrina hit. I was lying on some pillows thrown on the floor of a classroom at a church we were staying in for the night [it was pretty much a two-day trip to New Orleans and back so we had to stop somewhere along the way for the night].

Anyway, I could not get to sleep. Something deep inside me was stirring. I felt as if I were going to jump out of my skin if I didn't do what God wanted me to do. I jumped up and ran into the bathroom across the hall. I locked the door and then I cried silent tears. It was perhaps the first time I probably heard, REALLY HEARD, God call me by name. So I was in the bathroom, pacing in a circle, trying to understand what it was that God wanted me to do. Did He give me direction? No. Did He give me advice? No. Did He give me a clear vision of what my destiny looked like? No. He merely just wanted me to know that He was there and that I hadn't even begun taking steps to fulfill His purpose for my life. It was a beautiful moment and one that I will never forget.

That was in 2006. Now it's 2014 and again, I feel and hear the call of God so strongly right now, at this moment. My birthday was on July 18 and I turned 31. I asked God what He wanted to say to me on my birthday, expecting an awesome blessing. Well, I suppose it could be a blessing. Heh. But this is what He told me:

"It's time for you to get uncomfortable."

Remember my last post about living a non-traditional life? About how I was at a crossroads and I had to make a choice? I made that choice and I chose to follow after God wholeheartedly no matter what ANYONE says.

I'm on the brink of something. I can feel it and I can hear it rumbling in the distance in the spirit realm. I know that I know that I know that I know that I KNOW that God wants me to go. I think I've mentioned quite a few times that I had been wanting to go to Pasadena, California, to do an internship there with the Pasadena International House of Prayer. I firmly believe that God has been telling me to go. When, I'm not sure. But he has been bugging me about this for several months now and I've been putting it off. I keep hearing God telling me to 'get ready'.

So when God says move, you can be sure that I WILL move. My life is not my own. I am not satisfied with the status quo any longer. I need and want so much more than I have now.

So, for now, I'm going to lock myself away in the [read: my] Secret Place with Daddy God in order to hear clearly as to what HE wants me to do, what HE wants me to say, and how HE wants me to act. Does this mean I'm going to lock myself in my room for however long he wants me to? NO. Just because He wants me all to Himself doesn't mean I have to hibernate like a bear during the winter. No, I just sense that He wants me to focus on Him right now and shut out all the other voices that are calling out to me day in and day out.

I won't abandon this blog, either. I have so much I want to say, and I have so much I need to share that I have to get it off my chest somehow. LOL! 

I have to focus on Him. It's time for me to form my own beliefs on certain things and it's time for me to dig my own well. That's what I have been hearing for a long while now. I have to dig my own well. What that means is that I want to see breakthrough in my life. I want God to actually move in my life. I have so many dreams that God has placed in me that I don't want to keep talking about them...I want to actually go about doing them!

So, for now, I'm putting my job hunting on hold for the time being and I'm just going to focus on Him. What that means exactly, I'm not sure, but I know for a fact that I have to do this. There is no other way. Also, too, is the distinct alienation I'm starting to feel come about. Not that I'm depressed or anything. Quite the opposite. I just sense, as I said above, that God wants me to shut out all other voices and just focus on Him...and only Him. I want to live in an atmosphere of His Presence and I want to live in an atmosphere of His peace. 

Oh, I'll continue to live my life and stuff. But it's so easy to get burdened down by all of life's demands and such that if you don't have God in your life, it can be really overwhelming and stressful. I definitely won't be putting my entire life on hold! I won't be able to live without my church or my prayer and intercession meetings at church! The way things have been going, though, is not working for me. Something needs to give.

God has been calling me and calling me. I have finally answered His call and said one simple word that completely terrifies me but it also completely excites me: YES.

servanthood saturday: a life lived nontraditionally

Me, late at night

Okay, I need to get this out. If I don't, I fear that I will lose my courage. Because this is deeply personal to me. This is, like, sacred to me. I don't know why I'm bothering to write this post so millions, if not thousands, if not tens of people will read this. I just don't know. But I DO know. It's so that people can pray for me if the urge arises. It's to let people know that it's completely okay to live life differently.

This is about a life being lived nontraditionally.

I grew up with the notion that your life has to follow this route: school, job, more school, still same job, more schooling only it's university or college, hopefully career, then maybe an engagement or wedding thrown in, then family.

But what happens when God goes and upends your life and is like, "Okay! Your life is about to change on a dime. I have put dreams into your spirit that can ONLY be realized by you. Yeah, you. Little, unemployed, practically broke YOU. I want you to relinquish the reins because I have to tell you, babe, your life is no longer your own. Get used to it."

Oh yes. He told me all of that Himself. Okay, maybe not in those EXACT words, but that's pretty much the gist of it. I have been feeling out of sorts for a while now. I have no idea why. I'm not depressed, because I have a new outlook on life. I'm not sick either, because I feel fantastic. Actually, scratch that. I DO know why. It's because I have come to a crossroads and I have a big decision to make. One that has the power to change my future, my destiny, and my entire being.

Going back to the notion of your whole life being mapped out, I know now that that is not what God has been calling me to do. I have been feeling for quite some time now that God has been wanting me to step up my game. It's MY turn now. As it says in the FM Static song, "Take Me As I Am", I'm up, there's no more time, to try to mess with this design.

God has been calling me and calling me for a long while now. A LONG time. And while He has indulged my childish ways, I'm starting to sense that my petulant ways will no longer fly.

I am not too keen on this post that I'm writing right now. I really don't like this. I'm sorry, but I need to bring this up. I don't know what's going to happen, but I do know that there is no easy way to say this.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not knocking the traditional life in any way. I think it's GREAT to get your high school diploma. I think it's GREAT to find a job and make money. But...it should also be okay if God decides to upends all that and throws everything into a whirlwind until you have no idea which way is up or which way is down. The only things you ARE sure of is your own name, and God could easily change THAT too, and knowing that God is watching over you.

Going back to what I said earlier, I've been feeling a little out of sorts lately. I'm not sick, I'm not depressed, and I am content with my life. But something has been going on with me indeed. I'm facing a big decision here [and yes, I AM aware I'm probably repeating myself]. My life is about to turn on a DIME. I can feel it, I can sense it, and I KNOW it's a completely God-thing. 

God has been talking to me about true intimacy with Him. Now, I have no idea what intimacy is. I really don't. My dad died when I was a baby and so I haven't exactly been subjected to the intimacy between a man and his wife. I DO watch soap operas - I know, I KNOW - and we all know that those characters don't even know the meaning of the word 'intimacy'. I never had a boyfriend. I had never been out on a date. I have never been kissed. That sounds weird coming from a thirty year old single woman, huh? But I truly believe that it was because God has set me apart from peeps in my generation - not that there's anything bad about my generation - and had been protecting me for such a time as this. All I have to say is that my Prince Charming, whomever he may be, better be worth it!

So back to what God had been speaking to me about lately. It's more than just going deeper and deeper into true intimacy with Him. God has put dreams into my spirit and heart that can ONLY be fulfilled by me. Nobody else can do what God has called me to do. NOBODY. And, at this present time, I have a BIG decision to make. I haven't made it yet, and that's mainly the reason why I'm all out of sorts right now. This decision I'm faced with is BIGGER than myself, it's bigger than my LIFE.

God has been calling me and calling me for some time now and I have been ignoring Him -- out of fear. It's true. Because I know what He's asking of me and I know what He wants me to do. But I've been ignoring Him. If I'm to give Him my all, my EVERYTHING, forsaking all that I know, everything that is tangible by worldly standards, I can NEVER go back. I can NEVER go back to who I have always been. My life, as I have known it for thirty years [I turn thirty one in July], will be over. My current relationships - family/friends/church/acquaintances/Facebook friends/etc, etc - will change FOREVER. The sheer power of intimacy with my God will completely ruin me.

Now obviously I'm going to say yes to Him. But this decision is NOT to be taken lightly. I have to think about the "consequences" of my decision and I have to be okay with them. I'm not there yet. Will I be okay if nobody else decides to stand with me in this life-altering decision? Could I truly live with my decision if my own FAMILY does not understand what I'm currently facing right now? Will they still love me if I throw caution to the wind and give myself in total abandonment to God? Will I still be okay if nobody has my back on this? My life will no longer be my own; would I be able to live with that? The truth of the matter is this: I am not sure. All I truly know is that I am completely terrified because what God is asking of me...it feels as if I'm standing at a steep precipice and I know I'm supposed to jump into the air so God can catch me but for whatever reason, or, more accurately, excuse, I'm afraid to jump.

It's completely crazy, isn't it? That I know that I know that I KNOW that God has been calling me and calling me to walk out my destiny...and yet I'm afraid to let go and let God. You know how I've been talking about in previous posts that I feel 'trapped' within the four 'walls' of Ontario and I have been watching others fly in their destiny but I've felt as if my wings have been clipped?

 This song, "Fly", by amazing Christian musician Jason Upton had been a total confirmation of pretty much EVERYTHING that God has been speaking to me about. I've heard it before but honestly? Not long after God had brought me to the crossroads in my life these past few weeks, I was at a meeting at my church where my pastor had played this song as worship before the meeting [we were watching a DVD teaching of "The Ascended Life" by  Bill Johnson]. Even though I had heard this song before, it really spoke to my spirit. I've been soaking in this song nonstop every time I go to bed. The best part is that you can clearly hear angels singing in the background [no joke, I swear]!! I hope it ministers to you like it has for me.

Another song that had really ministered to me is "I've Seen I AM" by Jonathan David Helser. I've been soaking in that song as well.

All I know right now is that God has been calling me to start walking out my destiny. Not sure what that looks like yet, but I only want to move when He moves. I'm still feeling out of sorts about this, but I think I know that everything will be okay. One thing I DO know is that God has given me a Scripture for this season that I'm currently in right now:

"The Lord will guard your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forever." - Psalm 121:8 [NASB]

You know what? I think that everything will be okay. I will be okay.

it's not about the money, money, money...

This is one of my banks. Isn't it cute?

I did a stupid thing. I did a REALLY stupid thing. I racked up thousands of dollars on my credit cards and now I am thousands of dollars in debt. 

Oh, sure, my mom is bailing me out by paying off my Visa to which I am eternally grateful, and all I have to do is pay off my MasterCard which is maxed out as well but I still. It doesn't change the fact that I am thousands of dollars in debt. I'm sure you're sitting there, thinking, "Why on earth would you do such a thing?" And the answer would be, "I don't know." Seems like a pat answer but it's the truth. In fact, I used to shake my head reading about those stories about people who have gotten themselves into debt by the thousands and their only answer was "I don't know how this happened." Now I AM one of those people and I can tell you right now that that answer is the truth. I DON'T know how it happened and I had NO idea it would get so bad. 

The reason for my debt? The most convenient way of shopping: online. See, when you shop online, especially for somebody who sucks badly at math, you don't seem to remember that the card you are using for your purchases belongs to somebody else and that you will need to pay them back somehow. You don't think about the interest rate on the card if you don't pay the full balance off, and you certainly don't care about the credit limit [well, actually, you do. But not much].

Yes. I am a shopaholic and I am paying for it dearly. So I am going on a sort of "fast". I won't have as much money since I will be using the majority of my funds to pay off my card and funds will be somewhat tight for the next several months. One thing you should know is that this is not voluntary. My mother is making me do this, which is good because clearly I have been right all along when I have been saying that numbers hate me [and the feeling is mutual, I must confess].

Lying awake one night thinking about this new adventure, God spoke to me and said, "You know what? It's going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay."

I'm choosing too believe what HE says because everything God says is truth. He speaks no lies. Hey, even with my debt that had amassed over the months I had always managed to pay my bills on time. Sure, I had been naive enough to think I was making a difference in my credit card bills, but I still paid more than the minimum amount. It didn't make a lick of difference, I found out this week, but live and learn.

So I have been spending my money foolishly. I admit that. But you know what? I'm going to keep holding on to Daddy God and choose to believe that everything is going to be okay. You know how my mom found out about my mess? God told her to go look for my cards. No joke. This was after seeking His face asking Him for help with my financial crisis for weeks and weeks. Okay, I had this idea in my head that I would somehow be given the money supernaturally so that my mom wouldn't find out, but I suppose this will have to do.

You would think that I'd be full of shame of what I did but you would be wrong. I felt bad about it, yes, I felt absolutely alone and scared to admit what had happened, yes. But you know what? That shame that I had felt when my mom found out, that embarrassed feeling I was carrying for so long? It's gone. It's GONE and I think that's part of the reason why God is wanting me to blog about this. Because with this public post, where EVERYBODY can read it, the enemy has no stronghold over me. Everything I'm going though is out in the open and I am walking in the light. He can't control me with this anymore. Not only that, but now I am accountable to people. 

During intercession today at church, one of my friends, and I am so blessed I can say that she's a friend, shared her status on a Facebook page that she has, Fast Track to Freedom:

"I love how the owner told the servant not to Pull the bad seed out that the enemy planted in the night but let the both of them grow up together and when it was harvest time he could separate the two...right now there's a separation going on in our lives from things that may not be good for your life and things that are really good for your life so just keep moving forward because it's harvest time.
God bless you with this word."

Isn't that beautiful? It was just the confirmation I needed to hear that everything WILL be okay. The harvest is happening and Daddy God knew that what had been going on in secret for MONTHS needed to be weeded out so that only the good He has for me can remain when this is all over. Thank you God!! You know what else? Even though I made foolish mistakes and even though I have spent money foolishly I have repented for that in front of God. I have. I have repented for it and now I am free. I know that I know that I know that He will "give back what I have lost to the swarming locusts" [Joel 2:25, NLT]. Do I deserve having back what money I had spent foolishly? Probably not. But hey. I didn't deserve to have an innocent Man be put to death for MY sins all those years ago either but here we are. 

Onwards and upwards, as they say. I can rest easy now knowing what I had done in secret is now out in the light and the enemy won't be able to use it against me any longer.

I am free.