faithful friday: i know my life is not my own

Me circa 2010. My mom and I were driving through the Rockies

[NOTE: I know that I have been slacking on this blog. I apologize, but I have so many thoughts and so many things I want to say that I ask that you please be patient with me. I have, like, twelve or thirteen draft posts waiting in the queue on this thing.]

Have you ever felt the call of God on your life? I feel the call of God so strongly right now it's kind of scary. I only had this feeling one other time and that was on the way back from my first missions trip to New Orleans six months after Katrina hit. I was lying on some pillows thrown on the floor of a classroom at a church we were staying in for the night [it was pretty much a two-day trip to New Orleans and back so we had to stop somewhere along the way for the night].

Anyway, I could not get to sleep. Something deep inside me was stirring. I felt as if I were going to jump out of my skin if I didn't do what God wanted me to do. I jumped up and ran into the bathroom across the hall. I locked the door and then I cried silent tears. It was perhaps the first time I probably heard, REALLY HEARD, God call me by name. So I was in the bathroom, pacing in a circle, trying to understand what it was that God wanted me to do. Did He give me direction? No. Did He give me advice? No. Did He give me a clear vision of what my destiny looked like? No. He merely just wanted me to know that He was there and that I hadn't even begun taking steps to fulfill His purpose for my life. It was a beautiful moment and one that I will never forget.

That was in 2006. Now it's 2014 and again, I feel and hear the call of God so strongly right now, at this moment. My birthday was on July 18 and I turned 31. I asked God what He wanted to say to me on my birthday, expecting an awesome blessing. Well, I suppose it could be a blessing. Heh. But this is what He told me:

"It's time for you to get uncomfortable."

Remember my last post about living a non-traditional life? About how I was at a crossroads and I had to make a choice? I made that choice and I chose to follow after God wholeheartedly no matter what ANYONE says.

I'm on the brink of something. I can feel it and I can hear it rumbling in the distance in the spirit realm. I know that I know that I know that I know that I KNOW that God wants me to go. I think I've mentioned quite a few times that I had been wanting to go to Pasadena, California, to do an internship there with the Pasadena International House of Prayer. I firmly believe that God has been telling me to go. When, I'm not sure. But he has been bugging me about this for several months now and I've been putting it off. I keep hearing God telling me to 'get ready'.

So when God says move, you can be sure that I WILL move. My life is not my own. I am not satisfied with the status quo any longer. I need and want so much more than I have now.

So, for now, I'm going to lock myself away in the [read: my] Secret Place with Daddy God in order to hear clearly as to what HE wants me to do, what HE wants me to say, and how HE wants me to act. Does this mean I'm going to lock myself in my room for however long he wants me to? NO. Just because He wants me all to Himself doesn't mean I have to hibernate like a bear during the winter. No, I just sense that He wants me to focus on Him right now and shut out all the other voices that are calling out to me day in and day out.

I won't abandon this blog, either. I have so much I want to say, and I have so much I need to share that I have to get it off my chest somehow. LOL! 

I have to focus on Him. It's time for me to form my own beliefs on certain things and it's time for me to dig my own well. That's what I have been hearing for a long while now. I have to dig my own well. What that means is that I want to see breakthrough in my life. I want God to actually move in my life. I have so many dreams that God has placed in me that I don't want to keep talking about them...I want to actually go about doing them!

So, for now, I'm putting my job hunting on hold for the time being and I'm just going to focus on Him. What that means exactly, I'm not sure, but I know for a fact that I have to do this. There is no other way. Also, too, is the distinct alienation I'm starting to feel come about. Not that I'm depressed or anything. Quite the opposite. I just sense, as I said above, that God wants me to shut out all other voices and just focus on Him...and only Him. I want to live in an atmosphere of His Presence and I want to live in an atmosphere of His peace. 

Oh, I'll continue to live my life and stuff. But it's so easy to get burdened down by all of life's demands and such that if you don't have God in your life, it can be really overwhelming and stressful. I definitely won't be putting my entire life on hold! I won't be able to live without my church or my prayer and intercession meetings at church! The way things have been going, though, is not working for me. Something needs to give.

God has been calling me and calling me. I have finally answered His call and said one simple word that completely terrifies me but it also completely excites me: YES.

servanthood saturday: a life lived nontraditionally

Me, late at night

Okay, I need to get this out. If I don't, I fear that I will lose my courage. Because this is deeply personal to me. This is, like, sacred to me. I don't know why I'm bothering to write this post so millions, if not thousands, if not tens of people will read this. I just don't know. But I DO know. It's so that people can pray for me if the urge arises. It's to let people know that it's completely okay to live life differently.

This is about a life being lived nontraditionally.

I grew up with the notion that your life has to follow this route: school, job, more school, still same job, more schooling only it's university or college, hopefully career, then maybe an engagement or wedding thrown in, then family.

But what happens when God goes and upends your life and is like, "Okay! Your life is about to change on a dime. I have put dreams into your spirit that can ONLY be realized by you. Yeah, you. Little, unemployed, practically broke YOU. I want you to relinquish the reins because I have to tell you, babe, your life is no longer your own. Get used to it."

Oh yes. He told me all of that Himself. Okay, maybe not in those EXACT words, but that's pretty much the gist of it. I have been feeling out of sorts for a while now. I have no idea why. I'm not depressed, because I have a new outlook on life. I'm not sick either, because I feel fantastic. Actually, scratch that. I DO know why. It's because I have come to a crossroads and I have a big decision to make. One that has the power to change my future, my destiny, and my entire being.

Going back to the notion of your whole life being mapped out, I know now that that is not what God has been calling me to do. I have been feeling for quite some time now that God has been wanting me to step up my game. It's MY turn now. As it says in the FM Static song, "Take Me As I Am", I'm up, there's no more time, to try to mess with this design.

God has been calling me and calling me for a long while now. A LONG time. And while He has indulged my childish ways, I'm starting to sense that my petulant ways will no longer fly.

I am not too keen on this post that I'm writing right now. I really don't like this. I'm sorry, but I need to bring this up. I don't know what's going to happen, but I do know that there is no easy way to say this.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not knocking the traditional life in any way. I think it's GREAT to get your high school diploma. I think it's GREAT to find a job and make money. But...it should also be okay if God decides to upends all that and throws everything into a whirlwind until you have no idea which way is up or which way is down. The only things you ARE sure of is your own name, and God could easily change THAT too, and knowing that God is watching over you.

Going back to what I said earlier, I've been feeling a little out of sorts lately. I'm not sick, I'm not depressed, and I am content with my life. But something has been going on with me indeed. I'm facing a big decision here [and yes, I AM aware I'm probably repeating myself]. My life is about to turn on a DIME. I can feel it, I can sense it, and I KNOW it's a completely God-thing. 

God has been talking to me about true intimacy with Him. Now, I have no idea what intimacy is. I really don't. My dad died when I was a baby and so I haven't exactly been subjected to the intimacy between a man and his wife. I DO watch soap operas - I know, I KNOW - and we all know that those characters don't even know the meaning of the word 'intimacy'. I never had a boyfriend. I had never been out on a date. I have never been kissed. That sounds weird coming from a thirty year old single woman, huh? But I truly believe that it was because God has set me apart from peeps in my generation - not that there's anything bad about my generation - and had been protecting me for such a time as this. All I have to say is that my Prince Charming, whomever he may be, better be worth it!

So back to what God had been speaking to me about lately. It's more than just going deeper and deeper into true intimacy with Him. God has put dreams into my spirit and heart that can ONLY be fulfilled by me. Nobody else can do what God has called me to do. NOBODY. And, at this present time, I have a BIG decision to make. I haven't made it yet, and that's mainly the reason why I'm all out of sorts right now. This decision I'm faced with is BIGGER than myself, it's bigger than my LIFE.

God has been calling me and calling me for some time now and I have been ignoring Him -- out of fear. It's true. Because I know what He's asking of me and I know what He wants me to do. But I've been ignoring Him. If I'm to give Him my all, my EVERYTHING, forsaking all that I know, everything that is tangible by worldly standards, I can NEVER go back. I can NEVER go back to who I have always been. My life, as I have known it for thirty years [I turn thirty one in July], will be over. My current relationships - family/friends/church/acquaintances/Facebook friends/etc, etc - will change FOREVER. The sheer power of intimacy with my God will completely ruin me.

Now obviously I'm going to say yes to Him. But this decision is NOT to be taken lightly. I have to think about the "consequences" of my decision and I have to be okay with them. I'm not there yet. Will I be okay if nobody else decides to stand with me in this life-altering decision? Could I truly live with my decision if my own FAMILY does not understand what I'm currently facing right now? Will they still love me if I throw caution to the wind and give myself in total abandonment to God? Will I still be okay if nobody has my back on this? My life will no longer be my own; would I be able to live with that? The truth of the matter is this: I am not sure. All I truly know is that I am completely terrified because what God is asking of me...it feels as if I'm standing at a steep precipice and I know I'm supposed to jump into the air so God can catch me but for whatever reason, or, more accurately, excuse, I'm afraid to jump.

It's completely crazy, isn't it? That I know that I know that I KNOW that God has been calling me and calling me to walk out my destiny...and yet I'm afraid to let go and let God. You know how I've been talking about in previous posts that I feel 'trapped' within the four 'walls' of Ontario and I have been watching others fly in their destiny but I've felt as if my wings have been clipped?

 This song, "Fly", by amazing Christian musician Jason Upton had been a total confirmation of pretty much EVERYTHING that God has been speaking to me about. I've heard it before but honestly? Not long after God had brought me to the crossroads in my life these past few weeks, I was at a meeting at my church where my pastor had played this song as worship before the meeting [we were watching a DVD teaching of "The Ascended Life" by  Bill Johnson]. Even though I had heard this song before, it really spoke to my spirit. I've been soaking in this song nonstop every time I go to bed. The best part is that you can clearly hear angels singing in the background [no joke, I swear]!! I hope it ministers to you like it has for me.

Another song that had really ministered to me is "I've Seen I AM" by Jonathan David Helser. I've been soaking in that song as well.

All I know right now is that God has been calling me to start walking out my destiny. Not sure what that looks like yet, but I only want to move when He moves. I'm still feeling out of sorts about this, but I think I know that everything will be okay. One thing I DO know is that God has given me a Scripture for this season that I'm currently in right now:

"The Lord will guard your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forever." - Psalm 121:8 [NASB]

You know what? I think that everything will be okay. I will be okay.