servanthood saturday: counting the cost

via pixabay

What would cause a thirty-one-year-old young woman from Sarnia, Ontario, Canada, to go against people's wishes, risk losing her support to pay for her expensive medications, all so she could 'move' down to California for three months where she knows absolutely nobody, aside from her Heavenly Father, her Lord Jesus, and her faithful companion, Holy Spirit?

Well, come along and see!

A lot of people don't want me to do this internship. Their love and concern for me moves me; it truly does.

BUT.

How do you explain the calling that God has placed deep inside of you? How do you explain that this is NOT an act of rebellion, but rather an act of total and complete surrender to the Lord? How do you explain the cost of following - and that there IS a cost - after God?

[It should be noted here that over a year ago, in March 2014, God spoke to my spirit and said that I was at a crossroad and that I could continue the life as I have always known it...or I can give myself completely to Him and only to Him. Every area, every square inch of my heart, my EVERYTHING, forsaking all that I know, everything that is tangible by worldly standards, I can NEVER go back. I can NEVER go back to who I have always been. My life, as I have known it for thirty one years [I turn thirty two in July], will be over. My current relationships - family/friends/church/acquaintances/Facebook friends/etc, etc - will change FOREVER. The sheer power of intimacy with my God will completely ruin me.]

How do you explain that you have, indeed, counted that cost and that you have decided that it was worth it? How do you explain the need to fulfill ALL that God has for you? How do you explain that? How do you explain that when God calls you there IS no other choice but to follow after Him no matter where He takes you, no matter what people say, no matter what you, yourself, are feeling? How do you explain that it's NOT about pleasing others, but that it's about pleasing God? How do you explain that a year ago God had spoken to my spirit and told me that I had two choices: I could continue to live the life I have always lived or I could completely give my entire being to Him, my everything, forsaking all that I know and trust, and surrender myself completely unto Him? How do you explain that after that I. Chose. HIM? How do you explain that He's come to collect on that answer a year later?

How do you explain all of that?

The truth is...that you can't. You can certainly try, but ultimately, it's impossible to try and explain how He works in one's life.

Luke 14:25-33 says this: "A large crowd was following Jesus. He turned around and said to them, "If you want to be my disciple, you must hate everyone else by comparison—your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even your own life. Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple. And if you do not carry your own cross and follow me, you cannot be my disciple. But don’t begin until you count the cost. For who would begin construction of a building without first calculating the cost to see if there is enough money to finish it? Otherwise, you might complete only the foundation before running out of money, and then everyone would laugh at you. They would say, ‘There’s the person who started that building and couldn’t afford to finish it!’ Or what king would go to war against another king without first sitting down with his counselors to discuss whether his army of 10,000 could defeat the 20,000 soldiers marching against him? And if he can’t, he will send a delegation to discuss terms of peace while the enemy is still far away. So you cannot become my disciple without giving up everything you own.”

I counted the cost, and while the cost is great, I know that I know that I know that I KNOW that this will all be worth it. And when the feelings of frustration and discouragement seem too much to bear? I think of the disciples in the Bible who no doubt struggled with the very same feelings and the very same situations that I am currently dealing with way back then, and I am filled with encouragement and a new strength to carry on.

People think that this is just a whim of mine, that I haven't thought things through, that this is just way too big for God to move, blah, blah, blah. Well, this ISN'T just a whim, I HAVE thought things through, and it IS big enough for God to move in.

You know, there are MANY great worship songs out there. There really are. Songs from Chris Tomlin, Hillsongs, Jesus Culture, Brian and Jenn Johnson, Matt Redman, etc, etc. All of them are great. But do we REALLY listen to the words when we sing them? Do we REALLY believe what we're singing? I know I believe them and I listen to the words. Some of the people I know should STOP singing these kind of songs, the songs where the artist is talking about surrender, giving their all to God, trusting in Him for all things. It's obvious they don't believe a single word. Actions speak louder than words. Or, do they actually believe them but when it comes to me, Mandie Cross, it's all "Whoops, sorry Mandie! You are exempt from this"? That is not fair and it's very, very, wrong.

So I'm on a journey of discovery. I can't wait to see what God has for me. I know that I'm following His path and if people don't like it, well, they don't have to be a part of my life. It will hurt, and it will sting, but as God told me over a year ago, if I decided to follow after Him it will change all my relationships...FOREVER. I had already counted that cost you see. I KNOW what God is asking of me, and to be perfectly honest, I don't really care what others think. It's not my problem; it's THEIR problem. 

There's a line in one of my favourite worship songs, Oceans Rise (Where Feet May Fail), that goes You've never failed, and You won't start now. There's a few lines in another one of my favourite worship songs, I Surrender, by Kim Walker-Smith, No turning back, I've made up my mind/I'm giving all of my life this time/Your love makes it worth it/Your love makes it worth it all/Your love makes it worth it all. 

People ask me, "What if this happens or what if that happens?" I do worry. I DO. It's just that I can't afford to dwell on it because then it gives the enemy a foothold to sneak his way in and say, "Did God REALLY tell you that? Did God REALLY say those things? Did God REALLY show you these things?" Yes, God REALLY told me that, and He REALLY said those things, and He REALLY showed me these things. Shut up!

I'm following after God no matter what. Where He goes, I'll go; where He stays, I'll stay; when He moves, I'll move; I will follow Him. If you want to join me, awesome. If you don't...then step aside because this girl is going to follow God no matter where He takes me, no matter what He's asking me to do, and no matter what YOU might be thinking.

servanthood saturday: a life lived nontraditionally

Me, late at night

Okay, I need to get this out. If I don't, I fear that I will lose my courage. Because this is deeply personal to me. This is, like, sacred to me. I don't know why I'm bothering to write this post so millions, if not thousands, if not tens of people will read this. I just don't know. But I DO know. It's so that people can pray for me if the urge arises. It's to let people know that it's completely okay to live life differently.

This is about a life being lived nontraditionally.

I grew up with the notion that your life has to follow this route: school, job, more school, still same job, more schooling only it's university or college, hopefully career, then maybe an engagement or wedding thrown in, then family.

But what happens when God goes and upends your life and is like, "Okay! Your life is about to change on a dime. I have put dreams into your spirit that can ONLY be realized by you. Yeah, you. Little, unemployed, practically broke YOU. I want you to relinquish the reins because I have to tell you, babe, your life is no longer your own. Get used to it."

Oh yes. He told me all of that Himself. Okay, maybe not in those EXACT words, but that's pretty much the gist of it. I have been feeling out of sorts for a while now. I have no idea why. I'm not depressed, because I have a new outlook on life. I'm not sick either, because I feel fantastic. Actually, scratch that. I DO know why. It's because I have come to a crossroads and I have a big decision to make. One that has the power to change my future, my destiny, and my entire being.

Going back to the notion of your whole life being mapped out, I know now that that is not what God has been calling me to do. I have been feeling for quite some time now that God has been wanting me to step up my game. It's MY turn now. As it says in the FM Static song, "Take Me As I Am", I'm up, there's no more time, to try to mess with this design.

God has been calling me and calling me for a long while now. A LONG time. And while He has indulged my childish ways, I'm starting to sense that my petulant ways will no longer fly.

I am not too keen on this post that I'm writing right now. I really don't like this. I'm sorry, but I need to bring this up. I don't know what's going to happen, but I do know that there is no easy way to say this.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not knocking the traditional life in any way. I think it's GREAT to get your high school diploma. I think it's GREAT to find a job and make money. But...it should also be okay if God decides to upends all that and throws everything into a whirlwind until you have no idea which way is up or which way is down. The only things you ARE sure of is your own name, and God could easily change THAT too, and knowing that God is watching over you.

Going back to what I said earlier, I've been feeling a little out of sorts lately. I'm not sick, I'm not depressed, and I am content with my life. But something has been going on with me indeed. I'm facing a big decision here [and yes, I AM aware I'm probably repeating myself]. My life is about to turn on a DIME. I can feel it, I can sense it, and I KNOW it's a completely God-thing. 

God has been talking to me about true intimacy with Him. Now, I have no idea what intimacy is. I really don't. My dad died when I was a baby and so I haven't exactly been subjected to the intimacy between a man and his wife. I DO watch soap operas - I know, I KNOW - and we all know that those characters don't even know the meaning of the word 'intimacy'. I never had a boyfriend. I had never been out on a date. I have never been kissed. That sounds weird coming from a thirty year old single woman, huh? But I truly believe that it was because God has set me apart from peeps in my generation - not that there's anything bad about my generation - and had been protecting me for such a time as this. All I have to say is that my Prince Charming, whomever he may be, better be worth it!

So back to what God had been speaking to me about lately. It's more than just going deeper and deeper into true intimacy with Him. God has put dreams into my spirit and heart that can ONLY be fulfilled by me. Nobody else can do what God has called me to do. NOBODY. And, at this present time, I have a BIG decision to make. I haven't made it yet, and that's mainly the reason why I'm all out of sorts right now. This decision I'm faced with is BIGGER than myself, it's bigger than my LIFE.

God has been calling me and calling me for some time now and I have been ignoring Him -- out of fear. It's true. Because I know what He's asking of me and I know what He wants me to do. But I've been ignoring Him. If I'm to give Him my all, my EVERYTHING, forsaking all that I know, everything that is tangible by worldly standards, I can NEVER go back. I can NEVER go back to who I have always been. My life, as I have known it for thirty years [I turn thirty one in July], will be over. My current relationships - family/friends/church/acquaintances/Facebook friends/etc, etc - will change FOREVER. The sheer power of intimacy with my God will completely ruin me.

Now obviously I'm going to say yes to Him. But this decision is NOT to be taken lightly. I have to think about the "consequences" of my decision and I have to be okay with them. I'm not there yet. Will I be okay if nobody else decides to stand with me in this life-altering decision? Could I truly live with my decision if my own FAMILY does not understand what I'm currently facing right now? Will they still love me if I throw caution to the wind and give myself in total abandonment to God? Will I still be okay if nobody has my back on this? My life will no longer be my own; would I be able to live with that? The truth of the matter is this: I am not sure. All I truly know is that I am completely terrified because what God is asking of me...it feels as if I'm standing at a steep precipice and I know I'm supposed to jump into the air so God can catch me but for whatever reason, or, more accurately, excuse, I'm afraid to jump.

It's completely crazy, isn't it? That I know that I know that I KNOW that God has been calling me and calling me to walk out my destiny...and yet I'm afraid to let go and let God. You know how I've been talking about in previous posts that I feel 'trapped' within the four 'walls' of Ontario and I have been watching others fly in their destiny but I've felt as if my wings have been clipped?

 This song, "Fly", by amazing Christian musician Jason Upton had been a total confirmation of pretty much EVERYTHING that God has been speaking to me about. I've heard it before but honestly? Not long after God had brought me to the crossroads in my life these past few weeks, I was at a meeting at my church where my pastor had played this song as worship before the meeting [we were watching a DVD teaching of "The Ascended Life" by  Bill Johnson]. Even though I had heard this song before, it really spoke to my spirit. I've been soaking in this song nonstop every time I go to bed. The best part is that you can clearly hear angels singing in the background [no joke, I swear]!! I hope it ministers to you like it has for me.

Another song that had really ministered to me is "I've Seen I AM" by Jonathan David Helser. I've been soaking in that song as well.

All I know right now is that God has been calling me to start walking out my destiny. Not sure what that looks like yet, but I only want to move when He moves. I'm still feeling out of sorts about this, but I think I know that everything will be okay. One thing I DO know is that God has given me a Scripture for this season that I'm currently in right now:

"The Lord will guard your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forever." - Psalm 121:8 [NASB]

You know what? I think that everything will be okay. I will be okay.

Day 6: Sound off on the quote, “Every woman has the exact love life she wants.”

My beloved late cat, Muffy [has nothing to do with this post]

So today, for Day 6, Mandy wanted us to sound off on this quote: "Every woman has the exact love life she wants." Apparently this is a quote from "The Wedding Date". This will prove difficult seeing as although I did see the movie, I don't remember this quote [so I don't really know what context this was spoken in]. 

So I had to look for it on YouTube and while it was smack dab in the middle of the trailer preview, I kind of got the gist of it.

Sound off on the quote, “Every woman has the exact love life she wants.”

Your love life, or lack thereof, is that way because you CHOSE it [is what one of the characters told the main character]. Even as I'm writing these words, I have to admit that it is mainly true...in my life at least.

I don't wear makeup. I have LOTS of it but I don't wear it; I don't know HOW to wear it. Thinking of that quote, is it POSSIBLE that the reason my Prince Charming is not here by my side is because I don't WANT one right now? Because let's face it; if I start wearing makeup and get some beauty treatments done [aka NOT plastic surgery!!!] the opposite sex is going to notice me. Probably. Maybe. If I start to put a little more effort, okay a LOT more effort, into my clothing choices the opposite sex MIGHT notice me.

Maybe, just MAYBE, I don't really want Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet at this moment, at this point, in my life? After all, I DO have a comfortable life right now. I live in a nice house, in a nice neighbourhood, with some nice people. I go to a fabulous church. I have fabulous friends. Even though I'm currently unemployed, I don't let that get me down. I have two awesome pets [a tabby calico, Maxie, and a Shih Tzu, Chandler]. I have a good family. The list goes on and on.

Not to mention that I ADORE being on my own. I don't have to share a bed, I don't have to share closet space, I don't have to hear snoring [other than my mom and dog], and I DEFINITELY do NOT have to watch all kinds of sporting events [praise the LORD!!!]. I can watch what I want, and I do have my shows I watch [amongst them: Scandal, Once Upon a Time, Revenge, Nashville, GENERAL HOSPITAL, etc, etc]. I like my routines. I like how I can stay up late and I LOVE how I can sleep in. I love my life.

More than that, I absolutely LOVE the fact I can blossom in my relationship with God and I can rely on Him to take care of me and protect me. I LOVE how I can consult with Him on every decision I'm thinking of making [and there are a few big ones right now]. I do believe He likes this as well.

But then, if I CHOSE my life and it didn't choose me, I'm also saying I'M responsible for what happens. And man, that sucks. Maybe I AM too comfortable and maybe I AM too set in my ways. Maybe I NEED to switch my life up more. Maybe God IS nudging me to take that first big, scary, step.

For now, though, until God tells me otherwise, I'm fully embracing my lack of a love life because one day, I'm believing this, I won't have it anymore.