the audacity of my faith

Hi!

You know how in my last blog post I was talking about how the Lord will fight for me in the midst of what was happening in my life? Yeah, throw that out. LOL!

What I am about to say will not be a shock to some of you. What I am about to say will shock the rest of you...maybe.

Let's recap: I want to go to Pasadena and do an internship - Midnight Oil - with the Pasadena International House of Prayer [PIHOP]. I am on disability here in Ontario, Canada. The program is called Ontario Disability Support Program [ODSP]. They don't allow their clients to leave the province for more than thirty days without asking for permission. They DO allow them to leave under special circumstances but the request needs to be in writing. I wrote a letter asking for permission in hopes that this could be considered a 'special circumstance'. The request was DENIED.

So what am I supposed to do now? You know what? I'm going to work towards my dream anyways. I know what ODSP has said. I know I will most likely lose my support. But during church today, I felt that this was all God's plan; that it was God's plan for ODSP to say NO. Why, you might be asking, would it be in God's plan to have ODSP deny me this request? I believe it's a test. I was sitting there feeling somewhat bummed and I felt the Lord ask my heart, "How badly do you want this?"

I want it pretty badly. Badly enough to risk everything and follow the Lord God where He leads. Because following God where He leads is going to cost you, and YOU have to decide if it's worth it all. I COULD sigh and say, "It is what it is," and go on living my comfortable life in Sarnia, Ontario. I COULD do that. But I won't. Because I want this more than anything I have ever wanted in life. It's WORTH IT. It's WORTH the cost of losing ODSP. It's just MONEY. Oh well. You think that I'm going to be caring about that when Time is at the end and I'm standing before my Lord and King listening as He tells me, "Well done, good and faithful servant."?

The internship is WORTH the cost of what I might have to pay. Following God is WORTH the cost of whatever it is that He's asking me to give up. I DON'T CARE. Mandie, you're going to LOSE your money to pay for your drugs. I DON'T CARE. Mandie, this is ridiculous. I DON'T CARE. Mandie, this is not the regular way of life. I DON'T CARE. Mandie, think about the COST! I DON'T CARE!

I'm following God and that's all there is to it. I have already decided I would work towards this thing. I have already decided that if you're going to be all "Negative Nancy" about this, it means that you're against me and not for me. Never mind GOD fighting for me, I'M fighting for my dream and for myself on this. LOL! Seriously though. I got an image of the disciples waking up Jesus in order to calm the storm that was raging all around them and their boat. Only...Jesus was pretty perturbed. He was all, "Have I taught you NOTHING? I have given YOU the authority. YOU calm the storm." So I WILL calm my storm and I WILL own this mountain.  I am CONSUMED by His love and His mercy and His grace and there's no way I'm ever going to give this up. Never, EVER, ever.

I CAN and I WILL...WATCH ME.

faithful friday: staying calm

'Nuff said. [not my image]

So 2014 has passed and now it's 2015. I make a goal every January to make that year the best year of my life. I can honestly say that 2014, though there were some valleys, was the best year of my life. I started a journey with God that is far from over and I can't wait to see what He has planned for me. Actually, I already know what He has planned for me. I just don't know how it's going to play out.

In October He began speaking to me about things. Things that are starting to come to pass even now. One of the things He spoke to my spirit was that things were going to happen in December. An email I had received had confirmed this. It was amazing and totally unexpected although I probably should have expected it, huh? But I didn't expect it and it was amazing.

So, based on what I felt by Holy Spirit, I did something that could alter the direction of 2015 for me. I wrote a letter to ODSP asking for permission to leave the province - and country - to go do the internship down in Pasadena [I mentioned this many times already, about my desire to go to Pasadena to do an internship there with PIHOP]. I was completely truthful and I was completely honest. I told them the dates in which I would be gone - done way in advance so they would know - and I totally honoured them completely and wholeheartedly. I could've asked for an application from PIHOP, filled it out, and then mailed it off, but I felt the prompting by Holy Spirit to honour and respect the 'authority' over me to go to them first and honour them FIRST and FOREMOST. So I did that. I was absolutely terrified printing out the letter and then stuffing it in the envelope. I was even more terrified when I actually mailed it.

That was around the beginning of December. I didn't hear from them at all. But then, I wasn't too worried. I assumed that they were contemplating my request and all that [after all, it is a big deal asking to leave the province without losing my support].

December 30th rolled around and I had an appointment in London for a cystogram [x-ray of my bladder or kidneys, I'm not too sure]. 

To make a long story short, or relatively short, my numbers kept creeping up and they [the docs] didn't know why so they scheduled me a biopsy, to make sure everything was okay. That was fine only when I went for it, they did an ultrasound and discovered I had 'hydronephrosis' which is water in the kidneys. That meant that somewhere in my plumbing system I have an obstruction or kink. The doctor who was supposed to have done my biopsy caught this and said that this was probably why my numbers have been high. He said that 'call it intuition or whatever' but it was his belief that this was what was causing my numbers to be high. Being a doctor, though, he had to cover all his bases but honestly? I believe that it was HOLY SPIRIT who had told him that it wasn't my kidney at all! 

ALSO, and this is really cool, especially since I have never spoken about this in public or in private, my kidney problems all started because of hydronephrosis. When I was in the womb, my mom had a couple of ultrasounds where the tech kept exclaiming how my bladder was pretty full. That's because I couldn't empty it properly [I use a catheter now]. I think that's pretty cool.

ANYWAY, back to December 30. I had a cystogram scheduled. I went and as it turned out, I didn't have it done because I had a bladder infection. So I had to get some antibiotics. There is a point to this whole thing, I promise. So we went to the hospital pharmacy and waited to get it filled. Then they had to call my home pharmacy to get my drug card so I only had to pay two dollars instead of seventeen dollars. They called and uh oh, they didn't have my drug card [I gave my December and January drug cards to the driver so he could give them to the pharmacist]. They couldn't find them. I gave them to the driver so it's not my fault. So then they had to call my caseworker at ODSP - and here is where I was going with all this - to see if they could fax my card and stuff. So they needed my consent and I got on the phone with the dude who had no sense of humour: "So has this been happening recently or is this just a one-off do you think?" Me: "Well, I HOPE it's just a one-off!" Everybody around me laughed at my tone except for him. HE didn't laugh. Whatever. And then he said AS AN ASIDE [noun: a remark that is not directly related to the main topic of discussion] and ON THE PHONE that he received my letter asking to go to California and that they couldn't approve it. !!!!! Not only that but he then had the gall to wish me a Happy New Year. !!!!!

So as you can imagine I was pretty upset. I was proud of myself for not bursting into tears right in the middle of the pharmacy. I was blinking a lot, but I made sure to not cry in public. No, I waited until I was in the car before I let it all out [and I wound up shocking my mom]. My mom said all the right things, but I was upset and I was entitled to feel what I was feeling so I felt pretty crappy on the way to Woodstock [I'm in Toronto for a conference]. I listened to Addison Road's "Fight Another Day" and Taylor Swift's "Shake It Off" on my iPod so that felt nice. LOL!

But yes. I felt - and still feel - completely disrespected and dishonoured by ODSP. I even had a talk with God and told Him that I felt disrespected and dishonoured by them. HE understood and HE cares about me and how I'm feeling. As soon as I told Him how I felt He gave me a verse, Exodus 14:14, which says in the New Living Translation: "The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm."

So I will stay calm. God has told me that I would go to California and I believe that I will, with or without my support for ODSP [He has given me an idea to fund raise for this and I'm still talking to Him about it]. But I really am calm as He has told me that He, Himself, will fight for me. I'm not sure how this will all play out but I do know that it will be in MY favour. The Lord has told me this, after all. God will have His way. I just have to stay calm.

servanthood saturday: a life lived nontraditionally

Me, late at night

Okay, I need to get this out. If I don't, I fear that I will lose my courage. Because this is deeply personal to me. This is, like, sacred to me. I don't know why I'm bothering to write this post so millions, if not thousands, if not tens of people will read this. I just don't know. But I DO know. It's so that people can pray for me if the urge arises. It's to let people know that it's completely okay to live life differently.

This is about a life being lived nontraditionally.

I grew up with the notion that your life has to follow this route: school, job, more school, still same job, more schooling only it's university or college, hopefully career, then maybe an engagement or wedding thrown in, then family.

But what happens when God goes and upends your life and is like, "Okay! Your life is about to change on a dime. I have put dreams into your spirit that can ONLY be realized by you. Yeah, you. Little, unemployed, practically broke YOU. I want you to relinquish the reins because I have to tell you, babe, your life is no longer your own. Get used to it."

Oh yes. He told me all of that Himself. Okay, maybe not in those EXACT words, but that's pretty much the gist of it. I have been feeling out of sorts for a while now. I have no idea why. I'm not depressed, because I have a new outlook on life. I'm not sick either, because I feel fantastic. Actually, scratch that. I DO know why. It's because I have come to a crossroads and I have a big decision to make. One that has the power to change my future, my destiny, and my entire being.

Going back to the notion of your whole life being mapped out, I know now that that is not what God has been calling me to do. I have been feeling for quite some time now that God has been wanting me to step up my game. It's MY turn now. As it says in the FM Static song, "Take Me As I Am", I'm up, there's no more time, to try to mess with this design.

God has been calling me and calling me for a long while now. A LONG time. And while He has indulged my childish ways, I'm starting to sense that my petulant ways will no longer fly.

I am not too keen on this post that I'm writing right now. I really don't like this. I'm sorry, but I need to bring this up. I don't know what's going to happen, but I do know that there is no easy way to say this.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not knocking the traditional life in any way. I think it's GREAT to get your high school diploma. I think it's GREAT to find a job and make money. But...it should also be okay if God decides to upends all that and throws everything into a whirlwind until you have no idea which way is up or which way is down. The only things you ARE sure of is your own name, and God could easily change THAT too, and knowing that God is watching over you.

Going back to what I said earlier, I've been feeling a little out of sorts lately. I'm not sick, I'm not depressed, and I am content with my life. But something has been going on with me indeed. I'm facing a big decision here [and yes, I AM aware I'm probably repeating myself]. My life is about to turn on a DIME. I can feel it, I can sense it, and I KNOW it's a completely God-thing. 

God has been talking to me about true intimacy with Him. Now, I have no idea what intimacy is. I really don't. My dad died when I was a baby and so I haven't exactly been subjected to the intimacy between a man and his wife. I DO watch soap operas - I know, I KNOW - and we all know that those characters don't even know the meaning of the word 'intimacy'. I never had a boyfriend. I had never been out on a date. I have never been kissed. That sounds weird coming from a thirty year old single woman, huh? But I truly believe that it was because God has set me apart from peeps in my generation - not that there's anything bad about my generation - and had been protecting me for such a time as this. All I have to say is that my Prince Charming, whomever he may be, better be worth it!

So back to what God had been speaking to me about lately. It's more than just going deeper and deeper into true intimacy with Him. God has put dreams into my spirit and heart that can ONLY be fulfilled by me. Nobody else can do what God has called me to do. NOBODY. And, at this present time, I have a BIG decision to make. I haven't made it yet, and that's mainly the reason why I'm all out of sorts right now. This decision I'm faced with is BIGGER than myself, it's bigger than my LIFE.

God has been calling me and calling me for some time now and I have been ignoring Him -- out of fear. It's true. Because I know what He's asking of me and I know what He wants me to do. But I've been ignoring Him. If I'm to give Him my all, my EVERYTHING, forsaking all that I know, everything that is tangible by worldly standards, I can NEVER go back. I can NEVER go back to who I have always been. My life, as I have known it for thirty years [I turn thirty one in July], will be over. My current relationships - family/friends/church/acquaintances/Facebook friends/etc, etc - will change FOREVER. The sheer power of intimacy with my God will completely ruin me.

Now obviously I'm going to say yes to Him. But this decision is NOT to be taken lightly. I have to think about the "consequences" of my decision and I have to be okay with them. I'm not there yet. Will I be okay if nobody else decides to stand with me in this life-altering decision? Could I truly live with my decision if my own FAMILY does not understand what I'm currently facing right now? Will they still love me if I throw caution to the wind and give myself in total abandonment to God? Will I still be okay if nobody has my back on this? My life will no longer be my own; would I be able to live with that? The truth of the matter is this: I am not sure. All I truly know is that I am completely terrified because what God is asking of me...it feels as if I'm standing at a steep precipice and I know I'm supposed to jump into the air so God can catch me but for whatever reason, or, more accurately, excuse, I'm afraid to jump.

It's completely crazy, isn't it? That I know that I know that I KNOW that God has been calling me and calling me to walk out my destiny...and yet I'm afraid to let go and let God. You know how I've been talking about in previous posts that I feel 'trapped' within the four 'walls' of Ontario and I have been watching others fly in their destiny but I've felt as if my wings have been clipped?

 This song, "Fly", by amazing Christian musician Jason Upton had been a total confirmation of pretty much EVERYTHING that God has been speaking to me about. I've heard it before but honestly? Not long after God had brought me to the crossroads in my life these past few weeks, I was at a meeting at my church where my pastor had played this song as worship before the meeting [we were watching a DVD teaching of "The Ascended Life" by  Bill Johnson]. Even though I had heard this song before, it really spoke to my spirit. I've been soaking in this song nonstop every time I go to bed. The best part is that you can clearly hear angels singing in the background [no joke, I swear]!! I hope it ministers to you like it has for me.

Another song that had really ministered to me is "I've Seen I AM" by Jonathan David Helser. I've been soaking in that song as well.

All I know right now is that God has been calling me to start walking out my destiny. Not sure what that looks like yet, but I only want to move when He moves. I'm still feeling out of sorts about this, but I think I know that everything will be okay. One thing I DO know is that God has given me a Scripture for this season that I'm currently in right now:

"The Lord will guard your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forever." - Psalm 121:8 [NASB]

You know what? I think that everything will be okay. I will be okay.

heroism

Meet Jordan Rice. Son. Brother. Friend. Cute. Thirteen. Australian. Brave. Hero. That last word usually isn't used in the same description as a normal thirteen year-old boy, but then Jordan isn't your average boy. Or rather, he wasn't. He tragically died this week during the flood in Australia when he and his mother were swept away by the strong current in the middle of a rescue mission to save him, his mother, and his ten year-old brother, Blake.

Let me start in the beginning. He, his mother, Donna, and Blake were in the car to go shopping for school. The car stalled in the middle of the street in relatively shallow water. Within seconds, I'm guessing, the water rose considerably and kept rising therefore making the family climb atop their car. Two people went to rescue them. During this mission of mercy, they went for Jordan first. Jordan didn't want to go because he wanted them to rescue Donna and Blake first. Did I mention that Jordan couldn't swim and that he was terrified of water? Yeah. So, they grabbed Blake first. Blake was saved. Unfortunately, the rope that the rescuers used on Jordan tore and that's when he and Donna were swept away.

What gets to me is Jordan's courageous spirit and boldness. I mean, you have to be bold if you were in the midst of a flood, couldn't swim and had a fear of water - a bad combination by the way, and still wanted your mother and brother to be rescued first. I want that. I want that kind of boldness that says, 'yeah, I'm in this absolutely terrifying situation but I still want everybody to go before me'. Can you imagine the complete terror he must have felt on top of the car? He probably was close to having a complete meltdown! I know I would've been.

We can learn from this. I'm twenty seven, and I am in awe of this thirteen year-old boy. That he would stay in an enviroment that he was petrified of just so his brother could be rescued first? That is astounding. Remarkable, even.

Daddy God, I want that boldness. I want that courageous spirit. Jordan was absolutely terrified in that situation, but he still was selfless enough to let his mom and brother go ahead of him. I want that, putting other people first before me. I want that faith that Jordan had in those rescuers even though the outcome was tragic. Thank you so much for Jordan and his mom and brother. Thank you so much for his dad and other brothers who are no doubt proud of this young boy who did this extraordinary act. I ask that you keep watch over Jordan's family as they're mourning the loss of their brother, wife, and mom. I ask that you be with Blake, especially, in case he feels shame and/or guilt over what his brother did. Amen.

When I grow up, I want to be just like Jordan Rice.

If you wish to leave a message about Jordan or say something to the family, and I'm not too sure if it''s even sanctioned by them but whatever, please click here.