servanthood saturday: counting the cost

via pixabay

What would cause a thirty-one-year-old young woman from Sarnia, Ontario, Canada, to go against people's wishes, risk losing her support to pay for her expensive medications, all so she could 'move' down to California for three months where she knows absolutely nobody, aside from her Heavenly Father, her Lord Jesus, and her faithful companion, Holy Spirit?

Well, come along and see!

A lot of people don't want me to do this internship. Their love and concern for me moves me; it truly does.

BUT.

How do you explain the calling that God has placed deep inside of you? How do you explain that this is NOT an act of rebellion, but rather an act of total and complete surrender to the Lord? How do you explain the cost of following - and that there IS a cost - after God?

[It should be noted here that over a year ago, in March 2014, God spoke to my spirit and said that I was at a crossroad and that I could continue the life as I have always known it...or I can give myself completely to Him and only to Him. Every area, every square inch of my heart, my EVERYTHING, forsaking all that I know, everything that is tangible by worldly standards, I can NEVER go back. I can NEVER go back to who I have always been. My life, as I have known it for thirty one years [I turn thirty two in July], will be over. My current relationships - family/friends/church/acquaintances/Facebook friends/etc, etc - will change FOREVER. The sheer power of intimacy with my God will completely ruin me.]

How do you explain that you have, indeed, counted that cost and that you have decided that it was worth it? How do you explain the need to fulfill ALL that God has for you? How do you explain that? How do you explain that when God calls you there IS no other choice but to follow after Him no matter where He takes you, no matter what people say, no matter what you, yourself, are feeling? How do you explain that it's NOT about pleasing others, but that it's about pleasing God? How do you explain that a year ago God had spoken to my spirit and told me that I had two choices: I could continue to live the life I have always lived or I could completely give my entire being to Him, my everything, forsaking all that I know and trust, and surrender myself completely unto Him? How do you explain that after that I. Chose. HIM? How do you explain that He's come to collect on that answer a year later?

How do you explain all of that?

The truth is...that you can't. You can certainly try, but ultimately, it's impossible to try and explain how He works in one's life.

Luke 14:25-33 says this: "A large crowd was following Jesus. He turned around and said to them, "If you want to be my disciple, you must hate everyone else by comparison—your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even your own life. Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple. And if you do not carry your own cross and follow me, you cannot be my disciple. But don’t begin until you count the cost. For who would begin construction of a building without first calculating the cost to see if there is enough money to finish it? Otherwise, you might complete only the foundation before running out of money, and then everyone would laugh at you. They would say, ‘There’s the person who started that building and couldn’t afford to finish it!’ Or what king would go to war against another king without first sitting down with his counselors to discuss whether his army of 10,000 could defeat the 20,000 soldiers marching against him? And if he can’t, he will send a delegation to discuss terms of peace while the enemy is still far away. So you cannot become my disciple without giving up everything you own.”

I counted the cost, and while the cost is great, I know that I know that I know that I KNOW that this will all be worth it. And when the feelings of frustration and discouragement seem too much to bear? I think of the disciples in the Bible who no doubt struggled with the very same feelings and the very same situations that I am currently dealing with way back then, and I am filled with encouragement and a new strength to carry on.

People think that this is just a whim of mine, that I haven't thought things through, that this is just way too big for God to move, blah, blah, blah. Well, this ISN'T just a whim, I HAVE thought things through, and it IS big enough for God to move in.

You know, there are MANY great worship songs out there. There really are. Songs from Chris Tomlin, Hillsongs, Jesus Culture, Brian and Jenn Johnson, Matt Redman, etc, etc. All of them are great. But do we REALLY listen to the words when we sing them? Do we REALLY believe what we're singing? I know I believe them and I listen to the words. Some of the people I know should STOP singing these kind of songs, the songs where the artist is talking about surrender, giving their all to God, trusting in Him for all things. It's obvious they don't believe a single word. Actions speak louder than words. Or, do they actually believe them but when it comes to me, Mandie Cross, it's all "Whoops, sorry Mandie! You are exempt from this"? That is not fair and it's very, very, wrong.

So I'm on a journey of discovery. I can't wait to see what God has for me. I know that I'm following His path and if people don't like it, well, they don't have to be a part of my life. It will hurt, and it will sting, but as God told me over a year ago, if I decided to follow after Him it will change all my relationships...FOREVER. I had already counted that cost you see. I KNOW what God is asking of me, and to be perfectly honest, I don't really care what others think. It's not my problem; it's THEIR problem. 

There's a line in one of my favourite worship songs, Oceans Rise (Where Feet May Fail), that goes You've never failed, and You won't start now. There's a few lines in another one of my favourite worship songs, I Surrender, by Kim Walker-Smith, No turning back, I've made up my mind/I'm giving all of my life this time/Your love makes it worth it/Your love makes it worth it all/Your love makes it worth it all. 

People ask me, "What if this happens or what if that happens?" I do worry. I DO. It's just that I can't afford to dwell on it because then it gives the enemy a foothold to sneak his way in and say, "Did God REALLY tell you that? Did God REALLY say those things? Did God REALLY show you these things?" Yes, God REALLY told me that, and He REALLY said those things, and He REALLY showed me these things. Shut up!

I'm following after God no matter what. Where He goes, I'll go; where He stays, I'll stay; when He moves, I'll move; I will follow Him. If you want to join me, awesome. If you don't...then step aside because this girl is going to follow God no matter where He takes me, no matter what He's asking me to do, and no matter what YOU might be thinking.

the audacity of my faith

Hi!

You know how in my last blog post I was talking about how the Lord will fight for me in the midst of what was happening in my life? Yeah, throw that out. LOL!

What I am about to say will not be a shock to some of you. What I am about to say will shock the rest of you...maybe.

Let's recap: I want to go to Pasadena and do an internship - Midnight Oil - with the Pasadena International House of Prayer [PIHOP]. I am on disability here in Ontario, Canada. The program is called Ontario Disability Support Program [ODSP]. They don't allow their clients to leave the province for more than thirty days without asking for permission. They DO allow them to leave under special circumstances but the request needs to be in writing. I wrote a letter asking for permission in hopes that this could be considered a 'special circumstance'. The request was DENIED.

So what am I supposed to do now? You know what? I'm going to work towards my dream anyways. I know what ODSP has said. I know I will most likely lose my support. But during church today, I felt that this was all God's plan; that it was God's plan for ODSP to say NO. Why, you might be asking, would it be in God's plan to have ODSP deny me this request? I believe it's a test. I was sitting there feeling somewhat bummed and I felt the Lord ask my heart, "How badly do you want this?"

I want it pretty badly. Badly enough to risk everything and follow the Lord God where He leads. Because following God where He leads is going to cost you, and YOU have to decide if it's worth it all. I COULD sigh and say, "It is what it is," and go on living my comfortable life in Sarnia, Ontario. I COULD do that. But I won't. Because I want this more than anything I have ever wanted in life. It's WORTH IT. It's WORTH the cost of losing ODSP. It's just MONEY. Oh well. You think that I'm going to be caring about that when Time is at the end and I'm standing before my Lord and King listening as He tells me, "Well done, good and faithful servant."?

The internship is WORTH the cost of what I might have to pay. Following God is WORTH the cost of whatever it is that He's asking me to give up. I DON'T CARE. Mandie, you're going to LOSE your money to pay for your drugs. I DON'T CARE. Mandie, this is ridiculous. I DON'T CARE. Mandie, this is not the regular way of life. I DON'T CARE. Mandie, think about the COST! I DON'T CARE!

I'm following God and that's all there is to it. I have already decided I would work towards this thing. I have already decided that if you're going to be all "Negative Nancy" about this, it means that you're against me and not for me. Never mind GOD fighting for me, I'M fighting for my dream and for myself on this. LOL! Seriously though. I got an image of the disciples waking up Jesus in order to calm the storm that was raging all around them and their boat. Only...Jesus was pretty perturbed. He was all, "Have I taught you NOTHING? I have given YOU the authority. YOU calm the storm." So I WILL calm my storm and I WILL own this mountain.  I am CONSUMED by His love and His mercy and His grace and there's no way I'm ever going to give this up. Never, EVER, ever.

I CAN and I WILL...WATCH ME.

faithful friday: my testimony

Before I begin, I'd like to start off by saying how sorry I am for not blogging for a few months or so. It wasn't because I was busy or anything, actually, it was. But that wasn't the reason. The reason is that God had laid it on my heart to share my testimony, but every time I went to go sit down, my mind would just fill with static and I could not think of what to write for the life of me. I was under attack. As a matter of fact, I did attempt to start, and I had something substantial down, but for some odd - and by odd, I mean the enemy - reason, my auto save did not kick in and I lost EVERYTHING. I'm highly convinced it's because we all have something to share, and to contribute to the Kingdom of God, and that upsets the enemy a whole lot. Anyway, here goes:


My testimony starts out the usual and traditional way of how testimonies start out, so I'll skim over that. Yes, I was born and raised in a Christian home. Yes, my family is Christian. Yes, I went to church. Yes, I went to a Christian school. Yes, I love God.


My background, spiritually, makes me look like a mutt: I was part of the CRC when I was a wee one, then my family moved on to the Vineyard church, then I moved on to a little church named Dunamis Church Sarnia until finally, I settled in with The Gathering Place Christian Fellowship. But that isn't what I want to get into. My story begins when we left the CRC and decided to join River City Vineyard.


River City. I vividly remember my first impression of this small, little church that had just started up. We learned about it from my aunt and uncle because they were going there and thought that we should check it out. So we did. First impression: I love the music. There were people up on a little stage playing guitars, singing into microphones, and drumming on the drums. Like a rock band! I would've given everything right then and there to be able to listen to this kind of music every Sunday instead of people singing hymns to the tunes played out on a monotonous organ. NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT. It's just that, when I was a wee one, I didn't really appreciate our church and all that it had [and even when we were steadfastly going to River City and had to take turns to bring my dear grandma to church, I still didn't appreciate it; all I cared about were the mints that were overflowing and the balcony seating]. Nowadays, I probably would appreciate it more because it would most likely remind me of my grandma [she died while I was in sixth grade].


One of my fondest memories of RCV was during Sunday school, during the first year or so I was going, it took place in this very kitschy kitchen-type room, and the teacher, Rob, had us all close our eyes and listen to what God was saying or whatever. Knowing nothing about this, I was determined to be the "good one" and try my very hardest at this exercise. So I folded my hands and closed my eyes and waited. After a few seconds, I heard, rather than felt, this gentle breeze around me. Now I opened my eyes to make sure I wasn't hearing things or making myself think I'm hearing something, but when I did, I saw that the window was closed and so was the door leading outside. Now Rob had everyone open their eyes and share what happened. I shared what I heard, and Rob said that it was "meat". I was intrigued.


Little did I know that this would be the start of the battle for my soul. And what a battle it would be!

I remember vacationing for a week up in Stayner, Ontario, during the summer for a few years. This was because all the Vineyards in Ontario were all staying there having their annual summer "camp". It during this that when we all went to this "classroom", this guy started speaking to us and teaching us. I can't remember what all happened, but I do remember that afterwards, he gave a sort of altar call to come up and receive Jesus. Everybody went up with the exception of a few people, myself included. My cousins and brother went up but I stayed sitting. Afterwards, I was wandering the grounds and couldn't find anybody, so I went back to the room that my mom and brother and I were staying in and just hung out there. I do remember my mom coming in and asking her how to ask Jesus into my heart. Now, I will confess that my motives weren't pure. I felt funny all day and I just wanted to be in the same 'group' as my cousins and brother. So I asked Jesus into my heart. I couldn't wait to tell my cousins and brother. I was in the same place as them again.

Jesus knew what was up, but I think He also knew something that I didn't know yet. I think He must have known that on a subconscious level that I was genuine too. How else could it explain this weird battle over my life in the next few years?


I have decided to tell my testimony in parts because who wants to read a 150-page testimony? Not me. Stayed tuned for the next part. It gets interesting; I promise.