Day 4: Your biggest fear as a single person.

Me

Okay, so today, Day 4, is a doozy of a question, and one in which the person who answers will get very, very REAL. I am not looking forward to answering it. Really. Because this question is one where I have to confront my wide open future and just let go. So...without further ado, here's today's answer.

Your biggest fear as a single person.

As far as today goes, I honestly can say I have no fears whatsoever about being single. I'm in a good place right now, and I'm still learning a lot about myself and I'm learning how to maintain a relationship [via my personal relationship with my God]. I'm feeling healthy and great, I have a good life, and I'm thankful I live in a country where I have the absolute freedom to do what I want with no consequences.

But my biggest fear as a single person...wow. That's HUGE. And kind of scary. Because I don't like to think about it, and I don't even like to think about it. This has plagued me on and off for quite some time now and usually I push it out of my head and it's gone. But it's back in full force now and I absolutely hate it. I like to think of myself as somebody without fear, but honestly? We ALL have fear no matter who we are or what we do.

That said, my BIGGEST fear as a single person is winding up alone and then dying alone. THAT is my biggest fear. I look around and I see my friends all getting married, or engaged, or entering into a serious relationship and then I start to feel anxious because my Prince Charming hasn't shown up yet and I start to wonder if he ever will. What if he doesn't? What if God doesn't WANT me to meet someone? What if I wind up alone? What if I die alone?

But then...but THEN I see or hear something that totally confirms to me that God DOES care about me indeed! And I breathe a sigh of relief. Because He has somebody for me. Sure it's taking a long time, but I know that everything will be okay, that God HIMSELF has the right person in mind for me. And I'm okay with that, with the WAIT. Maybe God needs to fine-tune both me and him so when we do meet, if we haven't already, it will be one awesomely amazing and crazy adventure.

So whenever I feel down on myself for not having Prince Charming, I just give it all to God: my fears, my 'what ifs', my anxiousness, my frustrations...the list goes on and on. Because then He can deal with it, not me, and I can keep on living and loving. A few of my favourite verses are in the Book of Jeremiah, chapter 29, verses 11-13:

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me." - New Living Translation

Those verses make me feel happy and give me the warm fuzzies because God DOES have a plan for me and He will NEVER let me go. NEVER.

Another favourite verse is found in the Psalms [Chapter 121, verse 8]:

"The Lord will guard your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forever." - New American Standard Bible

I LOVE this verse because it rings so true in my life. When I look back on my lack of a love life, I can truly see that the Lord has, indeed, guarded me. I have never been kissed, I have never had a boyfriend, and I had never been out on a date. I believe that all that was designed by God to GUARD me and to keep me safe for whatever reason. I may not know what His plan was at the time, but I know that it will work in my favour in the future.

Isn't that awesome?!


Here's what Mandy had to say on HER blog. See you tomorrow!

faithful friday: do not awaken love...

See the above photo? I want that. There, I said it. I want to be cherished, loved, adored, etc., etc. I am almost done reading the book, Remember Me?, when inspiration struck and I'm now know what I'm writing. To give a brief synopsis: This young woman, Lexi Smart, remembers absolutely nothing about her life for the past three years when she is involved in a car accident. She wakes up from a coma thinking it's 2004. In reality, it's 2007. So throughout the book, she learns all about her life for the past three years and it's a pretty charmed life: she's got the amazing pad [house], she's got the husband, she's got the dream job...only she doesn't remember ANY of it. Then, once she thinks she's ready to settle in for the long haul, she runs into this person who makes her wonder just how charmed her life really is.


I would love to be completely swept off my feet by my very own Prince Charming. I LOVE weddings. I LOVE celebrity weddings. I LOVE friends' weddings. I LOVE seeing my friends fall in love.


I, on the other hand, am single. I have never had a boyfriend, I have never been kissed, I have never been on a date. I have had crushes. Crushes on celebrities was always my go-to romantic daydreams. I always had crushes on them because I KNEW that they were unattainable. Then, one day, something happened. I began to have a crush on a friend of mine [the person SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS].


Almost immediately I rebuked those feelings away because, in the place I was in at the time, I thought that he could not possibly be what I thought was happening. Only, he was. I was crushing on him hard. But I don't want to talk about that.


After five or six long, hard, years of going absolutely crazy inside, something happened.  God began to take me through a process of getting over him. And I did. It helped too that at the very beginning, I had asked God that, if he wasn't the one for me, to hold my heart in His hands so it wouldn't break into a million pieces. And God was true to my plea. I got over him. YAY!


This year, 2012, has been tough lately in this department for me. All my friends seem to be finding their Prince/Princess Charmings right now. And I began to feel like God had forgotten about me when it came to love. It got so bad that I was seriously thinking of bowing out of my friends' wedding last month. All that changed when a woman, Bonnie, in my church talked to me after church intercession a few days before the wedding and she had asked if I was wanting to fall in love. I told her that yes, I was wanting to fall in love and she started to speak into my life about him, how he was going to complement me in  my ministry and that he may not be in our city, maybe Toronto, or wherever, but God was working on him. That made my entire day and I would've told her what I was going through, but because of what I've been feeling, I didn't trust myself to talk. That, even though we were taught NOT to prophesy mates over people in our church's prophetic class, was the confirmation I was looking for. And needed to hear. That comforts me even now. And yes, I DID go to my friends' wedding and it was the cutest wedding that I have ever witnessed. They're forever Young [his last name and her new one].


Hearing the words flow from Bonnie's mouth has held me steadfast in my relationship with God. Now I am so happy and comfortable being single for however long God wants me to be. I'm now just beginning to understand the privilege of setting my singleness aside for Him, to learn how to be a lover of Jesus so that I can be the perfect lover to my husband. I'm just now realizing the awesomeness of being single and getting to spend all my time with the greatest Lover. I'm just realizing now the privilege of being taught on how to be the perfect wife so that I can be the perfect wife to my husband, whomever he may be.


I expect that some days will be hard, especially with the enemy skulking around just waiting for a chance to ruin my day, but I don't care. Whenever I want to be romanced, God has me read Song of Solomon 4: 1-15. Yeah, it may sound weird, the words, but hearing it from the Lover's lips? It's beautifully intense and I just swoon whenever I read it.


I am finally at the place where I just don't care whether I have someone or not. Okay, so maybe that's not exactly true. BUT...I AM in the place where I really don't care that I'm the single woman out in my life. I really don't. Because...for right now, I'm happy and content to find out who I am and what my thing is in life that God wants me to be. And, yes, I am most definitely happy to be single for the moment so that I can spend this time falling more and more in love with the Father.