servanthood saturday: a life lived nontraditionally

Me, late at night

Okay, I need to get this out. If I don't, I fear that I will lose my courage. Because this is deeply personal to me. This is, like, sacred to me. I don't know why I'm bothering to write this post so millions, if not thousands, if not tens of people will read this. I just don't know. But I DO know. It's so that people can pray for me if the urge arises. It's to let people know that it's completely okay to live life differently.

This is about a life being lived nontraditionally.

I grew up with the notion that your life has to follow this route: school, job, more school, still same job, more schooling only it's university or college, hopefully career, then maybe an engagement or wedding thrown in, then family.

But what happens when God goes and upends your life and is like, "Okay! Your life is about to change on a dime. I have put dreams into your spirit that can ONLY be realized by you. Yeah, you. Little, unemployed, practically broke YOU. I want you to relinquish the reins because I have to tell you, babe, your life is no longer your own. Get used to it."

Oh yes. He told me all of that Himself. Okay, maybe not in those EXACT words, but that's pretty much the gist of it. I have been feeling out of sorts for a while now. I have no idea why. I'm not depressed, because I have a new outlook on life. I'm not sick either, because I feel fantastic. Actually, scratch that. I DO know why. It's because I have come to a crossroads and I have a big decision to make. One that has the power to change my future, my destiny, and my entire being.

Going back to the notion of your whole life being mapped out, I know now that that is not what God has been calling me to do. I have been feeling for quite some time now that God has been wanting me to step up my game. It's MY turn now. As it says in the FM Static song, "Take Me As I Am", I'm up, there's no more time, to try to mess with this design.

God has been calling me and calling me for a long while now. A LONG time. And while He has indulged my childish ways, I'm starting to sense that my petulant ways will no longer fly.

I am not too keen on this post that I'm writing right now. I really don't like this. I'm sorry, but I need to bring this up. I don't know what's going to happen, but I do know that there is no easy way to say this.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not knocking the traditional life in any way. I think it's GREAT to get your high school diploma. I think it's GREAT to find a job and make money. But...it should also be okay if God decides to upends all that and throws everything into a whirlwind until you have no idea which way is up or which way is down. The only things you ARE sure of is your own name, and God could easily change THAT too, and knowing that God is watching over you.

Going back to what I said earlier, I've been feeling a little out of sorts lately. I'm not sick, I'm not depressed, and I am content with my life. But something has been going on with me indeed. I'm facing a big decision here [and yes, I AM aware I'm probably repeating myself]. My life is about to turn on a DIME. I can feel it, I can sense it, and I KNOW it's a completely God-thing. 

God has been talking to me about true intimacy with Him. Now, I have no idea what intimacy is. I really don't. My dad died when I was a baby and so I haven't exactly been subjected to the intimacy between a man and his wife. I DO watch soap operas - I know, I KNOW - and we all know that those characters don't even know the meaning of the word 'intimacy'. I never had a boyfriend. I had never been out on a date. I have never been kissed. That sounds weird coming from a thirty year old single woman, huh? But I truly believe that it was because God has set me apart from peeps in my generation - not that there's anything bad about my generation - and had been protecting me for such a time as this. All I have to say is that my Prince Charming, whomever he may be, better be worth it!

So back to what God had been speaking to me about lately. It's more than just going deeper and deeper into true intimacy with Him. God has put dreams into my spirit and heart that can ONLY be fulfilled by me. Nobody else can do what God has called me to do. NOBODY. And, at this present time, I have a BIG decision to make. I haven't made it yet, and that's mainly the reason why I'm all out of sorts right now. This decision I'm faced with is BIGGER than myself, it's bigger than my LIFE.

God has been calling me and calling me for some time now and I have been ignoring Him -- out of fear. It's true. Because I know what He's asking of me and I know what He wants me to do. But I've been ignoring Him. If I'm to give Him my all, my EVERYTHING, forsaking all that I know, everything that is tangible by worldly standards, I can NEVER go back. I can NEVER go back to who I have always been. My life, as I have known it for thirty years [I turn thirty one in July], will be over. My current relationships - family/friends/church/acquaintances/Facebook friends/etc, etc - will change FOREVER. The sheer power of intimacy with my God will completely ruin me.

Now obviously I'm going to say yes to Him. But this decision is NOT to be taken lightly. I have to think about the "consequences" of my decision and I have to be okay with them. I'm not there yet. Will I be okay if nobody else decides to stand with me in this life-altering decision? Could I truly live with my decision if my own FAMILY does not understand what I'm currently facing right now? Will they still love me if I throw caution to the wind and give myself in total abandonment to God? Will I still be okay if nobody has my back on this? My life will no longer be my own; would I be able to live with that? The truth of the matter is this: I am not sure. All I truly know is that I am completely terrified because what God is asking of me...it feels as if I'm standing at a steep precipice and I know I'm supposed to jump into the air so God can catch me but for whatever reason, or, more accurately, excuse, I'm afraid to jump.

It's completely crazy, isn't it? That I know that I know that I KNOW that God has been calling me and calling me to walk out my destiny...and yet I'm afraid to let go and let God. You know how I've been talking about in previous posts that I feel 'trapped' within the four 'walls' of Ontario and I have been watching others fly in their destiny but I've felt as if my wings have been clipped?

 This song, "Fly", by amazing Christian musician Jason Upton had been a total confirmation of pretty much EVERYTHING that God has been speaking to me about. I've heard it before but honestly? Not long after God had brought me to the crossroads in my life these past few weeks, I was at a meeting at my church where my pastor had played this song as worship before the meeting [we were watching a DVD teaching of "The Ascended Life" by  Bill Johnson]. Even though I had heard this song before, it really spoke to my spirit. I've been soaking in this song nonstop every time I go to bed. The best part is that you can clearly hear angels singing in the background [no joke, I swear]!! I hope it ministers to you like it has for me.

Another song that had really ministered to me is "I've Seen I AM" by Jonathan David Helser. I've been soaking in that song as well.

All I know right now is that God has been calling me to start walking out my destiny. Not sure what that looks like yet, but I only want to move when He moves. I'm still feeling out of sorts about this, but I think I know that everything will be okay. One thing I DO know is that God has given me a Scripture for this season that I'm currently in right now:

"The Lord will guard your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forever." - Psalm 121:8 [NASB]

You know what? I think that everything will be okay. I will be okay.

it's not about the money, money, money...

This is one of my banks. Isn't it cute?

I did a stupid thing. I did a REALLY stupid thing. I racked up thousands of dollars on my credit cards and now I am thousands of dollars in debt. 

Oh, sure, my mom is bailing me out by paying off my Visa to which I am eternally grateful, and all I have to do is pay off my MasterCard which is maxed out as well but I still. It doesn't change the fact that I am thousands of dollars in debt. I'm sure you're sitting there, thinking, "Why on earth would you do such a thing?" And the answer would be, "I don't know." Seems like a pat answer but it's the truth. In fact, I used to shake my head reading about those stories about people who have gotten themselves into debt by the thousands and their only answer was "I don't know how this happened." Now I AM one of those people and I can tell you right now that that answer is the truth. I DON'T know how it happened and I had NO idea it would get so bad. 

The reason for my debt? The most convenient way of shopping: online. See, when you shop online, especially for somebody who sucks badly at math, you don't seem to remember that the card you are using for your purchases belongs to somebody else and that you will need to pay them back somehow. You don't think about the interest rate on the card if you don't pay the full balance off, and you certainly don't care about the credit limit [well, actually, you do. But not much].

Yes. I am a shopaholic and I am paying for it dearly. So I am going on a sort of "fast". I won't have as much money since I will be using the majority of my funds to pay off my card and funds will be somewhat tight for the next several months. One thing you should know is that this is not voluntary. My mother is making me do this, which is good because clearly I have been right all along when I have been saying that numbers hate me [and the feeling is mutual, I must confess].

Lying awake one night thinking about this new adventure, God spoke to me and said, "You know what? It's going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay."

I'm choosing too believe what HE says because everything God says is truth. He speaks no lies. Hey, even with my debt that had amassed over the months I had always managed to pay my bills on time. Sure, I had been naive enough to think I was making a difference in my credit card bills, but I still paid more than the minimum amount. It didn't make a lick of difference, I found out this week, but live and learn.

So I have been spending my money foolishly. I admit that. But you know what? I'm going to keep holding on to Daddy God and choose to believe that everything is going to be okay. You know how my mom found out about my mess? God told her to go look for my cards. No joke. This was after seeking His face asking Him for help with my financial crisis for weeks and weeks. Okay, I had this idea in my head that I would somehow be given the money supernaturally so that my mom wouldn't find out, but I suppose this will have to do.

You would think that I'd be full of shame of what I did but you would be wrong. I felt bad about it, yes, I felt absolutely alone and scared to admit what had happened, yes. But you know what? That shame that I had felt when my mom found out, that embarrassed feeling I was carrying for so long? It's gone. It's GONE and I think that's part of the reason why God is wanting me to blog about this. Because with this public post, where EVERYBODY can read it, the enemy has no stronghold over me. Everything I'm going though is out in the open and I am walking in the light. He can't control me with this anymore. Not only that, but now I am accountable to people. 

During intercession today at church, one of my friends, and I am so blessed I can say that she's a friend, shared her status on a Facebook page that she has, Fast Track to Freedom:

"I love how the owner told the servant not to Pull the bad seed out that the enemy planted in the night but let the both of them grow up together and when it was harvest time he could separate the two...right now there's a separation going on in our lives from things that may not be good for your life and things that are really good for your life so just keep moving forward because it's harvest time.
God bless you with this word."

Isn't that beautiful? It was just the confirmation I needed to hear that everything WILL be okay. The harvest is happening and Daddy God knew that what had been going on in secret for MONTHS needed to be weeded out so that only the good He has for me can remain when this is all over. Thank you God!! You know what else? Even though I made foolish mistakes and even though I have spent money foolishly I have repented for that in front of God. I have. I have repented for it and now I am free. I know that I know that I know that He will "give back what I have lost to the swarming locusts" [Joel 2:25, NLT]. Do I deserve having back what money I had spent foolishly? Probably not. But hey. I didn't deserve to have an innocent Man be put to death for MY sins all those years ago either but here we are. 

Onwards and upwards, as they say. I can rest easy now knowing what I had done in secret is now out in the light and the enemy won't be able to use it against me any longer.

I am free.

Day 6: Sound off on the quote, “Every woman has the exact love life she wants.”

My beloved late cat, Muffy [has nothing to do with this post]

So today, for Day 6, Mandy wanted us to sound off on this quote: "Every woman has the exact love life she wants." Apparently this is a quote from "The Wedding Date". This will prove difficult seeing as although I did see the movie, I don't remember this quote [so I don't really know what context this was spoken in]. 

So I had to look for it on YouTube and while it was smack dab in the middle of the trailer preview, I kind of got the gist of it.

Sound off on the quote, “Every woman has the exact love life she wants.”

Your love life, or lack thereof, is that way because you CHOSE it [is what one of the characters told the main character]. Even as I'm writing these words, I have to admit that it is mainly true...in my life at least.

I don't wear makeup. I have LOTS of it but I don't wear it; I don't know HOW to wear it. Thinking of that quote, is it POSSIBLE that the reason my Prince Charming is not here by my side is because I don't WANT one right now? Because let's face it; if I start wearing makeup and get some beauty treatments done [aka NOT plastic surgery!!!] the opposite sex is going to notice me. Probably. Maybe. If I start to put a little more effort, okay a LOT more effort, into my clothing choices the opposite sex MIGHT notice me.

Maybe, just MAYBE, I don't really want Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet at this moment, at this point, in my life? After all, I DO have a comfortable life right now. I live in a nice house, in a nice neighbourhood, with some nice people. I go to a fabulous church. I have fabulous friends. Even though I'm currently unemployed, I don't let that get me down. I have two awesome pets [a tabby calico, Maxie, and a Shih Tzu, Chandler]. I have a good family. The list goes on and on.

Not to mention that I ADORE being on my own. I don't have to share a bed, I don't have to share closet space, I don't have to hear snoring [other than my mom and dog], and I DEFINITELY do NOT have to watch all kinds of sporting events [praise the LORD!!!]. I can watch what I want, and I do have my shows I watch [amongst them: Scandal, Once Upon a Time, Revenge, Nashville, GENERAL HOSPITAL, etc, etc]. I like my routines. I like how I can stay up late and I LOVE how I can sleep in. I love my life.

More than that, I absolutely LOVE the fact I can blossom in my relationship with God and I can rely on Him to take care of me and protect me. I LOVE how I can consult with Him on every decision I'm thinking of making [and there are a few big ones right now]. I do believe He likes this as well.

But then, if I CHOSE my life and it didn't choose me, I'm also saying I'M responsible for what happens. And man, that sucks. Maybe I AM too comfortable and maybe I AM too set in my ways. Maybe I NEED to switch my life up more. Maybe God IS nudging me to take that first big, scary, step.

For now, though, until God tells me otherwise, I'm fully embracing my lack of a love life because one day, I'm believing this, I won't have it anymore.

Day 5: The biggest misconception you think people have about single life

Evening Sunset

So Day 5. I have to admit that I ALMOST forgot about this entry. Almost. So without further ado, here's today's entry. Enjoy!

The biggest misconception you think people have about single life.

I think the biggest misconception people MAY have about being single is that there's something wrong with them. Like, for instance, if you're young and cute but still single, people might think there's something wrong with your personality or whatever. I don't know! I never pay attention to this kind of stuff. LOL!

For me, the misconceptions are that people who are single are boring, unlovable, ugly, and DESPERATE.

And I just want to make an announcement that that just ain't cool. Being single does not mean you are boring, unlovable, ugly, and/or desperate. Rather, think of your singlehood as being protected and guarded by the God of the heavens and earth. CELEBRATE it. Get out there and live out loud. I'm 30 and I am happily single. Not because I actively went out of my way to be single, I actually am praying for my Prince Charming, but because I am realizing that my singlehood is only but a fleeting moment in life. I realize that this is MY time. I can do whatever it is I want to do. The world is my oyster and I don't have to answer to anybody [as of yet].

Am I living the life I want? No, I am not but I am definitely taking tiny baby steps in getting there, and it's a lot easier now then it probably would be if I did have a significant other.

So, single women everywhere, if you are single and you are currently in a funk about it - and I should know, I have had a few of those funks too - don't worry about it. Your Prince Charming is somewhere. God Himself will give you the desires of your hearts. He sees you, and He hears you.

Here's what Mandy had to say on her Day 5.

where I am, from where I've been

Yeah, I did that!!

So I don't know if any of you are aware that the url of my blog has changed. If you did notice, good for you! You get a cookie! If you didn't, allow me to point out that before it read fool4christ.blogspot.com but now I've since changed it to faithsfollower.blogspot.com.

Let me explain. It started right around the time my favourite television show at the time, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, made the jump from the WB network to the network, UPN [both are now long gone]. The official site for Buffy was shutting down because it was owned by the WB so all of us fans were pretty much running around with our heads cut off because we were losing our 'home'. And it was a home. I think I started watching the show during the third season. Shortly after that, I joined the fan forum at buffy.com [long since demolished]. I spent a good, solid two and a half years there. I met a wide range of people and I had established a place where I belonged. Then the news came that the WB was dropping Buffy. So we all started wondering what the heck was going on and how would we keep our 'home' and all that stuff.

Finally, somebody had the good sense of creating a new home. So I joined up and at first it was weird, considering I wasn't used to that format, but I made do. And it turned out that I LOVED it. I established a home and a place of where I belonged for the second time. But enough of that.

When I joined my second home I had to have a user name. So I joined using my name from my first home. But...the name I had was in honour of this character on the show, and I no longer liked him. So I had to think of something else. Around this time, me and some other girls were in some sort of clique on the message board and we all really liked this other character. Her name was Faith. So then I decided to get a Faith-centric name and the name I chose was...FaithsFollower.

Little did I know back then how prophetic it would be. Little did I know back then just how impacting that name would become in later years. Indeed, I am now faith's follower. I am now a follower of my faith, the faith that is the same as Jesus Christ of Nazareth. I COULD say that I am a follower of Jesus Christ, and that would be the honest truth. But just saying I am a follower of Christ could be construed as stating my 'religion'. I am not religious AT ALL. In fact, I intensely dislike religion. To me, religion is man-made rules and regulations. 

I am a Christian. But I don't consider that my religion; I consider it my FAITH. I have learned a lot since I first made up the screen name, FaithsFollower, and I have come to the realization that the name I had chosen way back when, the name I had chosen on a lark, was not at all accidental.

I am me, and I am faith's follower.

Day 4: Your biggest fear as a single person.

Me

Okay, so today, Day 4, is a doozy of a question, and one in which the person who answers will get very, very REAL. I am not looking forward to answering it. Really. Because this question is one where I have to confront my wide open future and just let go. So...without further ado, here's today's answer.

Your biggest fear as a single person.

As far as today goes, I honestly can say I have no fears whatsoever about being single. I'm in a good place right now, and I'm still learning a lot about myself and I'm learning how to maintain a relationship [via my personal relationship with my God]. I'm feeling healthy and great, I have a good life, and I'm thankful I live in a country where I have the absolute freedom to do what I want with no consequences.

But my biggest fear as a single person...wow. That's HUGE. And kind of scary. Because I don't like to think about it, and I don't even like to think about it. This has plagued me on and off for quite some time now and usually I push it out of my head and it's gone. But it's back in full force now and I absolutely hate it. I like to think of myself as somebody without fear, but honestly? We ALL have fear no matter who we are or what we do.

That said, my BIGGEST fear as a single person is winding up alone and then dying alone. THAT is my biggest fear. I look around and I see my friends all getting married, or engaged, or entering into a serious relationship and then I start to feel anxious because my Prince Charming hasn't shown up yet and I start to wonder if he ever will. What if he doesn't? What if God doesn't WANT me to meet someone? What if I wind up alone? What if I die alone?

But then...but THEN I see or hear something that totally confirms to me that God DOES care about me indeed! And I breathe a sigh of relief. Because He has somebody for me. Sure it's taking a long time, but I know that everything will be okay, that God HIMSELF has the right person in mind for me. And I'm okay with that, with the WAIT. Maybe God needs to fine-tune both me and him so when we do meet, if we haven't already, it will be one awesomely amazing and crazy adventure.

So whenever I feel down on myself for not having Prince Charming, I just give it all to God: my fears, my 'what ifs', my anxiousness, my frustrations...the list goes on and on. Because then He can deal with it, not me, and I can keep on living and loving. A few of my favourite verses are in the Book of Jeremiah, chapter 29, verses 11-13:

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me." - New Living Translation

Those verses make me feel happy and give me the warm fuzzies because God DOES have a plan for me and He will NEVER let me go. NEVER.

Another favourite verse is found in the Psalms [Chapter 121, verse 8]:

"The Lord will guard your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forever." - New American Standard Bible

I LOVE this verse because it rings so true in my life. When I look back on my lack of a love life, I can truly see that the Lord has, indeed, guarded me. I have never been kissed, I have never had a boyfriend, and I had never been out on a date. I believe that all that was designed by God to GUARD me and to keep me safe for whatever reason. I may not know what His plan was at the time, but I know that it will work in my favour in the future.

Isn't that awesome?!


Here's what Mandy had to say on HER blog. See you tomorrow!

Day 3: Describe a moment or a day when being single was really awesome.

Me on Christmas morning

Okay, another post! So far, I'm sticking to the challenge. But it IS only the third day. Pray that it continues. LOL! Here we go!


Describe a moment or a day when being single was really awesome.

There has been LOTS of these moments. LOTS of them.

The ministry school I was a part of back in 2006 is under the branch of its church, Catch the Fire Toronto. Throughout the year, Catch the Fire Toronto has conferences, schools, and other fun stuff for people to come and take part in. Being single, having no significant other, having NO familial responsibilities, allows me to take in a few conferences here and there without feeling guilty. I don't have anything to tie me down. 

Same goes for when I buy tickets online to go to various concerts in Toronto or just having a wee visit in the city. Being single ALLOWS me to do all that without feeling like I'm neglecting my boyfriend or family [since I have neither]. Being single allows me to bob along the pathway of independence, stopping here and there to smell the roses, go at my own pace, take some time to really learn who I am and, of course, to cultivate an intimate relationship with my Daddy God so that I CAN have the BEST relationship possible with my Prince Charming when the time comes, since I will know who I am and what I stand for.

Now don't get me wrong: I think having families and/or significant others are an EQUALLY amazing adventures. But it's a new dynamic. You aren't just thinking of yourself anymore. You have other people to think of, not to mention little humans who depend on you for everything. Which is why I'm starting to cherish my singlehood. It gives me time to be selfish, and hopefully, when the day Prince Charming arrives in my life, I will be able to give myself selflessly to him AND to our future [whether it includes little humans or not].

Stay tuned for tomorrow! I can't wait to see what my heart says next. Here's what the challenger of this 30-day blogging challenge had to say about HER Day 3.

Day 2: Describe a moment or a day when being single really sucked

Not one of my best fashionable outfits

Okay! It's time for Day 2 of this blogging challenge I accepted. Thank you for following along with me as I go through this. I'm anticipating on learning some new things about myself.

Describe a moment or a day when being single really sucked.

There have been TOO many of these moments. LOL! But, if I HAVE to choose just one, it would be the weddings of my friends. [okay, so it's two]. There's nothing more depressing than celebrating the union of two people you care about while you haven't even been on a date. Of course I was, and am, happy for them. But it still sucked knowing I didn't have a special person in my life.

But then, I come to realize that weddings are probabaly a bit of a downer for single people [especially women]. Now don't get me wrong; I LOVE weddings. Especially celebrity weddings. I love flipping through a bridal magazine, looking at all the beautiful bouquets, rings, honeymoon ideas, and, oh my gosh, those DRESSES. I LOVED both of my friends' weddings. They were both amazing.

But when I watched my friends come down the aisle toward their beloveds on their wedding days, it was a beautiful thing, and yet I couldn't help but be reminded YET AGAIN that my Prince Charming wasn't there by my side [yet]. But he's coming. I KNOW he is.


Okay, so I'm finished for the day! Hope you enjoyed this post, I do apologize for it not being as interesting as it probably could've been.  

Oh, if you wish, you can follow along on Mandy Hale's blog as well. Here's her post for Day 1 and for Day 2.

The Single Woman's 30-Day Blogging Challenge - Day 1

So since it's been WAY too long since my last entry, I decided to challenge myself. A few months back, I picked up a copy of what is quickly becoming one of my favourite books, "The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass". Okay, admission time. I originally bought this book because of the author's name, MANDY. Then I read the title. It sounded pretty cool because honestly? Sometimes I hate Facebook with the constant updates of my friends who are either a) getting into a relationship, b) getting engaged, or c) wedding photos [I love you all]. I look at everyone falling in love, making plans for the future, and I just think, "What about ME? Where is MY Prince Charming?"

But then God puts things in perspective for me. He gives me little signs saying that I haven't been overlooked, that He does have someone in mind for me, and that my prince WILL come.

This book, this self-help book on singlehood that is written by this radical woman, shows you that, even though you WANT love, being single is not a curse but rather this awesomely fantastic adventure just WAITING for you to explore it.

That said, on the first of October, or close to the beginning of October, she had issued a fun challenge on her blog to ask a question EVERY DAY for 30 days on your blog. Challenge accepted. I'm going to do my best to answer the questions HONESTLY as each day comes. I'm going to try to do this every day of November [yes, I'm well aware that it's technically the 2nd, but I won't count it].

Okay, let's begin!!

Your response to everyone’s favorite question: “And why are YOU still single?”

Thankfully, I can count on one hand how many times people have asked me this. I forget what my answer was, but I'm proud to say that I definitely know what to say next time, if there's a next time, I'm asked. The answer is this: I'm still single not because something is terribly wrong with me, but that I'm still immature in some ways. How can I enter into something so sacred, and so mature, if I'm immature? I'm nowhere NEAR ready for a relationship right now.

Another reason is that God still has some work to do inside me and through me. How can I enter into a relationship when I'm constantly wondering who I am?  Am I this Mandie, am I THAT Mandie? I never had a boyfriend, I have never been out on a date, and I have never been kissed. I believe that God is saving me from a whole lot of heartbreak by not sending Prince Charming my way. If I want to enter into a relationship, I should know how to BE in a relationship. The only way to learn how to be the PERFECT significant other for someone, in my opinion, is to spend time with the Father of all fathers so that HE can tell you who you are and what you're about. Relationships are all about intimacy and trust.

So that's why I'm still single. I'm not ready for a relationship. I am too immature for one right now. I NEED to cultivate my relationship with God FIRST before I can even contemplate entering into a relationship with someone.

faithful friday: dear woman, go make your heart happy

The title was inspired by this blog. Ever since reading it, I keep hearing the title in my head...and heart. For a long time now, my heart hasn't been happy. Or, more accurately, not as happy as it could be. I'm not depressed. I actually love my life. But...my heart is just not that happy. And I think I know why.

For quite some time now at church we've been talking about dreaming again, writing down our dreams, and taking steps to go about them. Because that is exactly what God wants us to do. He has put dreams inside all of us but circumstances and/or self-sabotage has caused us to lay them down. For me, on the other hand, it was because of hope deferred.

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life." - Proverbs 13:12 [NLT]

Okay, I am going to be really transparent and put everything out there [well, not EVERYTHING]. 

Back in 2005, God had put a dream inside of me to do...something. What, I didn't know at the time but it had something to do loving the unlovable. You can read it here. Still don't know what that means. Still don't know how it will work out.

Flash forward to 2006. A bit of revival had broken out in one of my city's local churches, Bethel Pentecostal, and they were having nightly services. During one of these services, I felt God speak into my heart about starting up a 24-7 House of Prayer [for those of you wanting to know about what a house of prayer is, I urge you to check out IHOP]. And, obviously it won't be like that. Of COURSE it won't be like that. That, too, hasn't happened yet.

But I DID go to a ministry school in 2006 as well. And it was AMAZING. It really, really was. Now, you would think that God would instill in me all kinds of plans and directions for the future, right? Yeah, I thought so too. But did He? DID HE?! No! He showed me all kinds of cool stuff and spoke beautiful things to me and over me and through me, and I learned all kinds of interesting things over the four months I was there...but not ONCE did he give me any idea of what I should do next. So there I was, with a week left of school, and I was getting desperate to what I should do after the school was over. I prayed about maybe applying for another school, but I felt that God didn't want me to apply for one. So I didn't. I applied for a few internships they had there, but unfortunately they didn't pan out, so I was stuck.

And I went home. I've been home ever since. Between then and now I've left one church, went to another one and I've been with the second one since I've left the first church and it's been crazy good and amazing and my relationship with God has increased mightily. I'm on both the Ministry and Prophetic teams and there was a season of which I was on the Worship team.

But my heart hasn't been as happy as it could be. I don't know, it feels as if I have picked up mantles of what I should be doing that have been placed by other people. I should be getting my high school diploma, I should have a job, I should do things in the traditional way, I should do this, I should do that. Okay, yes, those are ALL good things; great things even. But...I don't know. I just have this feeling deep in my spirit that I'm not meant to live my life in the 'traditional' way: got to school, graduate, find job, get married, have kids, etc, etc. Besides, why must I live my life according to other people's expectations? Why can't I just live MY life the way I want to? I don't tell others how they should live their lives, so why should mine be any different?

My dream is to go apply for an internship at the Pasadena International House of Prayer. That has been my dream for over two years now. Maybe more. This excites me more than anything. If somebody said to me that they would give me a load of money to be able to go RIGHT NOW I would do it in a heartbeat. IN A HEARTBEAT. I actually have been talking to others about this and you know what? Maybe it was false expectations or whatever else, but I just feel that nobody else is as excited as I am about this. And it's been a real toll on my heart and soul because to be honest? It's hard to be excited about something if nobody else is. But honestly? In my spirit, in my heart, and in my mind, I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is something that I need to do. Yes, it will be all the way in California, and yes, I would be away from my family, my friends, my pets, and my church family. But you know what? Staying here, in my city, being surrounded by familiar things and staying where it's comfortable? I'm NOT going to find out who I really am. I will NOT be able to grow in leaps and bounds if I stay in my comfort zone. 

This has been a source of contention between my mom and I [which is why I haven't brought it up AT ALL in a year or so]. I get disability once a month due my health issues from the government and it's called Ontario Disability Support Program and if I can't leave my province because they might cut me off and my medicine is ridiculously expensive so there would be no way to pay for them. THAT is what my mom believes. Me, I believe the opposite. When it was first brought to my attention by Holy Spirit [because who else could it be?] I went through the entire thought process myself and ended up at 'NO WAY COULD THIS EVER WORK'. But then Holy Spirit spoke to me and asked me these simple questions:

• Do you trust Me enough to lead you to where you have to go?
• Do you trust Me enough to lead you through the airports to get you to the right place at the right time? [Believe me, I went online and checked: you have to make a stop somewhere before arriving in Pasadena]
• Do you trust Me enough to provide for you while you're gone and while you're away?
• Do you trust Me enough to let this happen?
• Do you trust Me enough to make the jump?

And the answer is this: YES. Yes, yes, a million times yes! I'm more than ready and more than willing to let go of myself and just jump. I know I can do it, too. I had a vision a few years back where I was taken up to heaven and I opened a door to the outside and it was just a drop down. So I took a leap and fell...and landed on the back of this gigantic eagle [I only remembered the vision two seconds ago]. It was amazing and scary.

This may sound weird but for years I've been feeling as if I were a bird in a cage that is Ontario [because as far as ODSP is concerned, I can't do anything if I leave the boundaries of the province]. I've been watching other 'birds' fly off to Redding, California, to Australia and New Zealand, to wherever else and there I am, stuck in the cage not being able to do anything that I want. How come other people can fly but not me? I want to fly, dammit!! I WANT TO FLY. I don't know, but sometimes this ODSP feels like a chain and a curse more than a blessing. I can probably do a little research online and see what they actually say about being out of province and go from there. We'll see.

I'm just tired of having things like expectations from other people and negative feelings being spoken over me and my life. Because that can happen and while you may not see it, you DO pick it up and place it on yourself. Trust me. I KNOW. It really bites because no matter how hard I try to fight it, it just beats me down and I feel like crap, judging myself [and God] every step of the way.

This past Sunday, my pastor preached on the story in the Bible where Peter seen Jesus and got out of the boat and started walking on the water. It was crazy how Mary Jane preached on what I was feeling inside. What was even more crazy was a few seconds in, I CLEARLY heard Daddy God say, "Get out of the boat and WALK." Now, you could argue that that was a Mandie thought, but here's how I knew it was all God: My heart started pounding and a total feeling of anxiety and fear came over me. Because I knew EXACTLY what He wanted me to do and, trust me when I say this, IT IS A TOTAL LEAP OF FAITH to do what He is asking of me. But then, God often works and moves in the most inopportune of times, doesn't He?

So, I'm going to work on making my heart happy again. It's exciting and scary and nerve-wracking all at once. But I know that, as long as I hang on tight to Daddy God's hand, it will be all right. After all, as I keep hearing from several people, how do you spell FAITH? R-I-S-K.

faithful friday: do not awaken love...

See the above photo? I want that. There, I said it. I want to be cherished, loved, adored, etc., etc. I am almost done reading the book, Remember Me?, when inspiration struck and I'm now know what I'm writing. To give a brief synopsis: This young woman, Lexi Smart, remembers absolutely nothing about her life for the past three years when she is involved in a car accident. She wakes up from a coma thinking it's 2004. In reality, it's 2007. So throughout the book, she learns all about her life for the past three years and it's a pretty charmed life: she's got the amazing pad [house], she's got the husband, she's got the dream job...only she doesn't remember ANY of it. Then, once she thinks she's ready to settle in for the long haul, she runs into this person who makes her wonder just how charmed her life really is.


I would love to be completely swept off my feet by my very own Prince Charming. I LOVE weddings. I LOVE celebrity weddings. I LOVE friends' weddings. I LOVE seeing my friends fall in love.


I, on the other hand, am single. I have never had a boyfriend, I have never been kissed, I have never been on a date. I have had crushes. Crushes on celebrities was always my go-to romantic daydreams. I always had crushes on them because I KNEW that they were unattainable. Then, one day, something happened. I began to have a crush on a friend of mine [the person SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS].


Almost immediately I rebuked those feelings away because, in the place I was in at the time, I thought that he could not possibly be what I thought was happening. Only, he was. I was crushing on him hard. But I don't want to talk about that.


After five or six long, hard, years of going absolutely crazy inside, something happened.  God began to take me through a process of getting over him. And I did. It helped too that at the very beginning, I had asked God that, if he wasn't the one for me, to hold my heart in His hands so it wouldn't break into a million pieces. And God was true to my plea. I got over him. YAY!


This year, 2012, has been tough lately in this department for me. All my friends seem to be finding their Prince/Princess Charmings right now. And I began to feel like God had forgotten about me when it came to love. It got so bad that I was seriously thinking of bowing out of my friends' wedding last month. All that changed when a woman, Bonnie, in my church talked to me after church intercession a few days before the wedding and she had asked if I was wanting to fall in love. I told her that yes, I was wanting to fall in love and she started to speak into my life about him, how he was going to complement me in  my ministry and that he may not be in our city, maybe Toronto, or wherever, but God was working on him. That made my entire day and I would've told her what I was going through, but because of what I've been feeling, I didn't trust myself to talk. That, even though we were taught NOT to prophesy mates over people in our church's prophetic class, was the confirmation I was looking for. And needed to hear. That comforts me even now. And yes, I DID go to my friends' wedding and it was the cutest wedding that I have ever witnessed. They're forever Young [his last name and her new one].


Hearing the words flow from Bonnie's mouth has held me steadfast in my relationship with God. Now I am so happy and comfortable being single for however long God wants me to be. I'm now just beginning to understand the privilege of setting my singleness aside for Him, to learn how to be a lover of Jesus so that I can be the perfect lover to my husband. I'm just now realizing the awesomeness of being single and getting to spend all my time with the greatest Lover. I'm just realizing now the privilege of being taught on how to be the perfect wife so that I can be the perfect wife to my husband, whomever he may be.


I expect that some days will be hard, especially with the enemy skulking around just waiting for a chance to ruin my day, but I don't care. Whenever I want to be romanced, God has me read Song of Solomon 4: 1-15. Yeah, it may sound weird, the words, but hearing it from the Lover's lips? It's beautifully intense and I just swoon whenever I read it.


I am finally at the place where I just don't care whether I have someone or not. Okay, so maybe that's not exactly true. BUT...I AM in the place where I really don't care that I'm the single woman out in my life. I really don't. Because...for right now, I'm happy and content to find out who I am and what my thing is in life that God wants me to be. And, yes, I am most definitely happy to be single for the moment so that I can spend this time falling more and more in love with the Father.

faithful friday: je m'appelle harry

I'm going to screw with all you people because I know that earlier, or maybe not, that I have decried Harry Potter* in the past. If I haven't, well, I think HP is just a cheap way of satan getting his foothold into the next generation therefore somehow ruining God's plan for them [spoiler alert: it won't work]. After all, Harry does go to a school called Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. But I digress. No, seriously. Don't be fooled by Daniel Radcliffe's pretty face. HP deals with some pretty intense stuff.


Why am I going to screw with you in regards to the fearless hero of the book/movie series? Because Daddy God screwed with me when He spoke to me in my bed while I was in Toronto for a conference [more on that later]. He actually had the nerve to tell me, "You're Harry." What?! What are You saying?!


I suppose I should start at the beginning for those who have no clue what Harry Potter is about...other than what I told you, I mean. 


It begins with Harry Potter living with his aunt and uncle and cousin in a cozy neighbourhood on a quaint little street in jolly old England. Sounds nice, right? It isn't. Because his aunt and uncle and cousin all treat the poor guy horrendously [they even make the dude LIVE in the cupboard under the stairs]. So the poor guys is being abused by his family and he resigns himself to the reality that he will endure the abuse forever and ever [I'm not even sure about that part; it's been a long while since I've read it].


But wait!! Harry soon gets loads of letters from Hogwarts [he doesn't know it at the time]. His family hates that he gets mail so they throw every letter away and goes on vacation with him [it's really not a vacation for Harry]. One night, though, Harry is visited by this giant by the name of Hagrid. Harry is thrown for a loop. What's even more, he is thrown for such a loop when Hagrid says...


"You're a wizard, Harry."


Track with me here. There's a point to this. You have this young boy who's been so abused by the people in his life that he has NO idea what is going on when somebody tells him that he's meant for bigger and better things. In the film, the exchange goes like this:

Yeah. He was surprised by that. So you can probably imagine my surprise when Hagrid's voice kept whispering in my mind: "You're a wizard, Harry. You're a wizard, Harry. You're a wizard, Harry. You're a wizard, Harry." On and on it went until finally I rebuked Hagrid in the name of Jesus. Then Daddy God was all, "No, Mandie. LISTEN. You're a wizard, Harry."

Only instead, to my spiritual ears anyway, He was saying, "You're a wizard, Mandie." Does this mean that I'm a wizard? No. He was basically saying, "You're My daughter. You're My princess. You need to rise up and take your place in My kingdom. You need to rise up and take your place of authority over everything that I have given you. You need to rise up and take your place in the position that I have anointed you for, and to rise up and take your place to destroy the works of the enemy and all that he has stolen from you. Rise up, child. Rise up, rise up, rise up, rise up, rise up!! RISE UP AND TAKE YOUR PLACE! It's your destiny!!"

I don't know about you, but I feel like Harry before he discovered he was a wizard. He was resigned to the fact that his life, in that cupboard underneath the stairs, was as good as it would ever get. Until Harry found out that he was actually a wizard, he felt like a bag of dirt. No, not even that. He felt like a big huge nothing. After all, he was told that over and over and over by his relatives. No, it wasn't until he found out that he was a wizard that he began to see things differently. He began to think differently about who he was and who was supposed to be. 

That's kind of like us. We just go about our lives, doing whatever it is we're doing, not realizing the truth about ourselves; the truth about who we are meant to be. Until God hits us over the head with a word or a sermon or even a song, we have no idea about who we are.

We are His beloved and He is our Beloved. Nothing can, or ever will, change that. Sure, the enemy will try to steer you from that truth [much like Voldemort, the antagonist, tried to make Harry think that he was nothing special and that he, Harry, would never be able to destroy him]. But all we have to do is stand on God's Word and promises and be like, "No, you're wrong! I AM good enough and I AM God's warrior and I DO have destiny."

The Harry Potter series is all about somebody rising up and realizing who they are and going after what is theirs. Yeah, Harry does face huge battles and yeah, his enemy is completely ruthless in his plan to destroy Harry Potter. But Harry never loses sight of what he's fighting for and neither should we. 

We OWN this world. We OWN everything that we see. God has given it to US. He created Eden for US. He gave Adam ALL authority over earth and water so that WE can enjoy it...even though we never really got to enjoy it. Until now. Until 2000 years ago when He sent His Son to die on that cross. He sent His Son to die so that Jesus could pay the price for our sins and HE was the one who went into Hades. Not us. And three days later He rose again....holding the keys to unlock OUR inheritances. OUR rightful place. Just like Harry was born to be a wizard, we were born to rule and reign with Daddy God and Christ the King.

You're a wizard, __________.

*And now I want to read the series. But I won't. Because I don't trust myself.

servanthood saturday: testing, testing, 1, 2, 3

This man was the main focus of a newspaper article in my local paper. Seeing as I have no idea how the link will last for, I shall give you the basics of it: his name is Daniel Swarath. He's a convicted child molester recently released from custody and is now back home with his parents. He's been convicted six times of sexual offences involving young girls through his church, of which his father is the pastor. There are details about what had happened, but I don't feel led to share them. That is not what this post is about.

No, what I feel led to blog about is God's mercy and grace. Remember when I had posted back in 2009? My mindset is still the same as it was back then.

It's easy to agree with Jesus when He says to love your neighbour as yourself. It's easy to love your friends, your family, your co-workers, your church family, etc, etc. But what happens when that becomes a test? I believe that it wasn't a mistake that Swarath is now back in Sarnia. I also believe that it is part of God's plan. "Whoa," you may be thinking right now as you read this. "How can it be part of God's plan to have this criminal back?" I can't say I blame you. In fact, I may have been inclined to think the same. Truthfully, I actually did think the same. Then I read the article [somebody had posted this on Facebook].

When I had read that his father was a pastor of a local church, and still is, that's when God started to knock on my door. See, I wanted to know what kind of church he was a part of, what they believed, and the like. So I googled around, looking for it. And I found it. Guess what? They believe exactly what I believe. They are a Christian church and they are of the Christian faith. The knocking became louder and more insistent. I remember reading the church's core values and as I was reading them, I heard God ask me, "So what are you going to do about this?"

When God asked me that, I was floored for about five minutes. What was I supposed to do about this? I began to chew on it for a bit, wondering what God meant by that. The more I chewed and ruminated on it, the more my heart turned toward Swarath and his father.

Guess what, guys? Swarath is one of us [for those who are Christians that are reading this]. Like it or not, this guy, who is on the national sex offender registry in Canada, is a part of our family in Christ. I'll be honest, that's a bitter pill to swallow. See, we like our mindsets of what we think Jesus meant when He talks about loving our neighbours and other verses such as that. As long as nothing comes into our bubble we're safe.

I'm going to take this time now to bring up a real classy dude named Saul. This guy had a mission in life and that mission was to kill every single Christian he came into contact with. I mean, really. Not only was it his job to kill Christians but I honestly believe that it was also his hobby. He got a great amount of joy out of it too, in my opinion. Then one day Saul met the most amazing Man he could ever have met. The Man struck him blind and three days later Saul got his sight back. He was changed from that point on and Saul soon became the apostle Paul who became one of early Christian leaders. You can read about Saul/Paul in the book of Acts. Awesome book.

Point about bringing up the apostle Paul is this: if Jesus Himself cared that much about someone who was murdering His sheep, then surely He cares about sex offenders. And if He cares about sex offenders, and if we're in the army of the Lord, then shouldn't we be like the Army in real life and not leave a man behind? I was listening to a song by Casting Crowns last night entitled "If We Are the Body". One of the lines that really struck me was this:

Jesus paid much too high a price
For us to pick and choose who should come
And we are the body of Christ

A lot of times I think that we have forgotten who Jesus was and whom He chose to hang out with. I mean, all of His disciples were basically unpopular and poor Mary Magdalene has had to go through centuries with this unsavoury reputation that has been placed on her for reasons that aren't even true. I'm pretty sure that if He was still on this earth, He wouldn't be hanging out with me. No, I would be hanging out with Him and all the shady characters that would be around.

For the record, I'm not saying that we should throw Swarath back into the mix and see how he fares with the young girls. No. That trust has been broken. It has been proven that he can't be trusted. So what's the next best thing? Love him by praying for him and his family. That's all we can do for now.

(I was originally going to post this for Faithful Friday but I was writing this post in my mind as I was laying in bed last night. Or rather, God was)